Girls who like boys who like boys

Q: I come to you with a problem that has been unsettling me very deeply. I'm 19, in college, and I identify as a gay male. For the last four months, I have been in my first significant relationship of my life. And on top of that, she's...well, a she. At first, this was a non-issue. More of a matter of me opening my mind to love her for who she is than her junk. Yadda yadda. And I do love her, very deeply. But the problem is that I do not think I can be with her as her boyfriend. My "gayness" has been rearing it's head, and I've become...very unhappy in this relationship. I've come to the logical conclusion that I should break it off, but I'm terrified to go ahead with that, because I don't want to lose her friendship. She has told me that she doesn't think we'd ever be able to be friends, or even be around each other at all if we were to break up because it would be too painful for her. (We share an enormous number of mutual friends, so this would be difficult.) What I would like to know is, is there some sort of secret way to let her down easy, which would make a continuation of our friendship more likely? Or should I just prepare to start making new friends?

--Jays

A: It is always important that you go with your heart, sexuality-wise. We can love people all we want for reasons other than their "junk" (hehe) but in the end, sex DOES matter. You are not going to be able to have a functioning relationship without an eventual degree of intimacy--it's just a fact. 

That being said, this relationship cannot continue in any romantic way.

The truth is, there's never a way to truly let someone down easy, so you might as well just tell her the truth. You care for her, you respect her, and you are willing to be her friend, but you are not sexually attracted to women. It would be not only unfair to you, but unfair to HER, if you continued this relationship. 

The next part, naturally, is the whole friend thing. I assume that you have a decent amount of non-mutual friends, so hang out with them a little more. Don't shun your old, mutual friends, but don't hang out with them and your ex at the same time. Also, don't trash talk your ex--I don't think you will at all, just sayin'. I guess all of that is common sense. :P

I do think that you will need to separate yourself from this girl for a while, after the whole break-up thing that is. Regardless of how YOU feel, she has made it clear that it would be damn near impossible to remain friends with you directly after the breakup. She has big-time feelings for you, that's why! Now, that's not to say that you can't be friends down the road, but the hard truth is that you simply cannot be around each other for a while. If you lose her as a friend FOREVER over this...well, I hate to sound cliched, but she was just not worth it. 

There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you like, and hopefully your soon-to-be-ex will understand that. If she's a true friend, she will. She will recover and move on (romantically), and so will you. Just be honest with her and don't let her guilt trip you into doing something that will eventually leave you both unhappy.

Best of luck. :)

--Dr O.

Battle of the boy and the BFFL

Q: I have been with this guy for 8 months now. 4 years ago, my best friend, Zanne, dated him. They only dated for about 3 months, and she dumped him. So, when I started dating him 4 years after she did, she seemed ok with it. Now, she absolutely hates everything about him. My boyfriend, Michael, and Zanne are the only friends I have, and they cant stand each other. They dis each other regularly, and it hurts me to hear.

I have talked to both of them about this situation and how its hard for me to be stuck in the middle of. They both agree to back off, but then they go at it again the next week. I've tried to fix the situation many times, but its always the same story.

I'm not sure where to go from hear. I feel like I cant talk about my best friend to my boyfriend, or talk about him to her. Please help me. I cant take this much longer.

--Aly

A: Aly, unfortunately your situation is not an uncommon one. However, it is extremely immature and spiteful of your boyfriend and best friend to be doing this, especially if they are fighting over their relationship from 4+ years ago. 

You say that you have tried to talk to both of them, and I believe that. Don't try to analyze them or talk to them any further about their hatred. There is no point in trying to figure out why they hate each other so much, because it's just going to be petty and immature.

The best that you can do is hang out with them individually, FAR away from the other person. If whomever you're hanging out with starts trashing the other person, tell them "Zanne (or Michael), I'd really appreciate it if you'd not talk about my boyfriend (or my best friend) that way. I understand that you don't like her (or him) and I get that, but I'm not going to be in the middle of it any more. You're hanging out with me right now." BE FIRM. If they continue to act immaturely, then tell whoever it is that you will see them tomorrow or something and leave.

You say that they are your only friends. I don't believe this is necessarily true, but regardless of anything, you need to find someone whom you can discuss your issues with Zanne and Michael with. Someone who is easily accessible, lives by you, and who you can talk to in person any time you want. For many reasons, boyfriends and best friends frustrate us, but you have learned that venting to either of them is disastrous. If you are close with anyone else--parents, other relatives, other friends--that'll help a lot. If not, possibly look into finding a counselor at home who you can see every week or so.

Best of luck, and please, don't be afraid to stand up to your friends if they continue this BS! :)

--Dr. O

Is there no one out there? (CONTINUED!!)

Q: Update: wow! haha, you hit the nail right on the head. My ex really did it in for me. Screwed me up. First time i had been broken up with too so i can see where my problems stem from. But what i have tried to do, because i am sort of realizing i might have this sense of never finding the perfect one, i have been trying to find girls i have never met. like blind dates. meeting girls at parties, like in different cities. Most of the time i have had some sort of connection with the girl i date. I have known her in some way. Like my ex, i dated her 3 years prior to the last time. so i am dating out of my league also. older women. wayyyy hotter women than i have ever tried. weird chicks haha. even the occasional pot smoker (blah) . maybe my strategy is too outlandish. I feel im trying to hard. but i have only had two relationships last longer than 2 weeks. and they were 2 months almost on the dot. i guess i just get bored. is there something im looking for in particular? some sort of girl i should aim for? maybe the perfect girl is right in front of me. Which she very well may be. There is this really cute girl but she is a really good friend too. But she doesnt know all my secrets and when she finds out were probably going to lose each other. Any more advice?


--Jake


A: Alright, I will take it from the top. :)


The first time that you are broken up with sucks so bad, you feel like your heart is evaporating and your face is falling off. During my freshman year of college, I got broken up with by a guy and stayed in my bed, crying, for two weeks. We had not even dated for three months! Anyway, it's tough, but we all go through it. The key thing to remember, folks, is that just because someone breaks up with us doesn't mean that we're the ones with the problem. Insecurity can break a relationship, so leave your baggage at the door.


It's a great thing that you are getting out there and dating all different types of people and dating in different scenarios. Honestly, the experience that you will gain from that will serve you unbelievably well for your "Miss Right". 


However, I think I've identified another problem you have: you get bored easily. It's good that you know that, but think about this, now: are you READY for a commitment? I mean, seriously, what are you really looking for? I realize that a relationship seems fun and kinda glamorous, but it really takes a person who is ready. I'm not calling you immature, just throwin' it out there :) Do you want a girlfriend, or do you have fun dating around?


Again, my old advice stands. Don't be so eager to find Miss Right yet. Keep being selective. Keep being true to yourself. And finally, don't feel bad dating around and not loving the selection! You are young. 


--Dr. O

Is there no one out there?

Q: First off. "Amateur master" totally dig it. and second, i dont know WTF is wrong with me. Im perfectly capable of finding a girl to date. Im not trying to be concieted, but im fuckin handsome. haha. but its like lately, ever since my last girlfriend actually (literally just realized this) i have been out of it. Not so much incapable, but unable; to care about relationships. But! i do contradict myself, because i rant and rave all the time about my ex's moving on or how im lonely and cold and other poetic bullshit. I obviously care!! I just dont understand, I'm a leo, im friggin outgoing. And i have proven to myself and others that when i really want a girl i can get her. But noone seems to fit the par or excite me enough to court. Yes, court, im a chivalrous mutha-fucka. SO please! do you have any insight?? consider me steeply desperate considering i merely clicked your link on facebook and immediately found your email to inquire. I'm actually mad at myself lately. It's like im ok with this static and empty life. FRICK! theres the poetic shit again.... PLEASE HELP!


-Jake


A: Jake, let me start by saying that I am very pleased that you approve of my tagline. I thought it was catchy myself.


Second of all, I have no doubt in my mind that you have the ability to find suitable girls to date. I also have no doubt that you eventually want to. You say that you do care that your ex's have moved on and you also called your life "static and empty". I HIGHLY doubt that that's an accurate descriptor, but you obviously are a little unhappy! You want a woman!


What you may be suffering from, the way I see it, is either fear or dangerously high standards.
Think about the following: Did your ex hurt you? Did you have a relationship that was fraught with drama and fighting? Are you afraid that other girls are going to hurt you or cause you pain?
Or...was your ex just amazing? Did she dump you, despite you still wanting to be with her? Did she have all of the qualities that you want, but unfortunately you guys couldn't be together? Are you afraid that no other future girl is going to be able to bring the same level of "perfection" to the table?


If either of these situations sound like you, you need to consider whether you still want your ex in your life. No matter what, you cannot properly move on with another woman until you have settled feelings with your ex (aka, gotten over her). If you still want her, though, then that's a whole new can of worms...!!


However, if you feel your recent lack of excitement towards other girls has nothing to do with your ex...then you may have simply not found someone good enough. Pretty simple and not uncommon. You may also be going through a generally stressful period that hampers your energy to mingle. That's ALSO very common! I don't want you to be worried.


I am assuming you are a young man (between the ages of 18-25)...so you have a booooatload of time to find someone worthy to date. As bad as it sounds, the really good ones are rare, so it's kind of a good thing that nobody has "wowed" you yet. You have good tastes, my friend...


Best of luck!


--Dr. O

Is cheating ever justified?

Q: Why is it that when women cheat in a relationship, they always seem to blame the other person instead of owning their decisions? (i.e. "I wouldn't have cheated if he would have treated me better.")

A:  I think both sexes do that, not just women. Women often cheat for emotional reasons and men often cheat for sexual reasons, although these stereotypes don't ALWAYS hold true. People just wanna justify their actions. However, no matter what, communication and separation should come before cheating and sketchy crap. That stuff cannot be justified. What's wrong is wrong.

--Dr. O

Is it wrong to Facebook creep exes when you've moved on?

Q: I recently looked through my girlfriend's internet history and found out that she had been looking at her ex's profile and his new girlfriend's as well as other girls he has added. For some reason, this upsets me, am I overreacting?

A: I'm sorry to say it, man, but...yeah. 

First off, a little piece of advice that I like to give out to people is DO NOT go looking through stuff (phones, email, history, mail) unless you have reason to believe they're cheating or being sketchy. Chances are, you're going to see shit you don't wanna see or stuff you shouldn't see (like an order for a Christmas present!). It's not that they're hiding, but I think people have the right to certain private activity without being judged or gotten mad at. If it's not cheating or sketchy behavior with other people, then it's fine.

For most women, that's looking up their ex's on facebook. Yes, initially I can see why you'd be a little upset, but I assure you it's NOTHING. We women are a curious and competitive species and when we do this, we are not admiring our boyfriends or longing for them, but rather, we are COMPARING ourselves to them (and their girlfriends)! It's rather funny, really. Unless your girlfriend is a jerk and wanting someone else while she's with you, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. I, for instance, stalk everybody's profile. It's just amusing. I have no shame in it because Facebook makes it possible. Does it make me any less crazy about my man? Hell no :P lolllll

Can people be "just friends" right after a breakup?

Hey everyone! I was looking through my old formspring and found this question that someone submitted a while back. I wanted to answer a couple of older questions to let new visitors know how we do things around here. :)

Q: Can people be friends right after a breakup?


A: In 99% of cases, absolutely not. After a break-up, at least one party still has feelings, whether overwhelmingly positive or overwhelmingly negative, to the point that such feelings will markedly hamper a strict friendship. If people really wanna be friends after having been through a relationship together, then they need a hell of a lot of time and separation before they even THINK about trying to be buddy-buddy.


--Dr. O

Mystical, Magical, Marvelous Beginnings!

Hello all,

I welcome you to my extraordinarily complicated, ornate new website! I've ultimately decided to go the blog route with my aspirations due to my ill feelings towards 90% of YouTube users. So, here I am. I am thinking of posting a Podcast on here along with a descriptive blog entry, but who knows. For now, I'm just starting.

In the future, here is how the site will operate:

1) People send me questions through either e-mail or formspring (if they want to remain completely anonymous)
2) I post the question along with my answer on each entry
3) I may or may not include a podcast, which will include me reading and discussing the question in further depth.

And here are some general rules and some other general info:

-I will try to answer everyone.
-I will resist every temptation to edit your post for grammar but I will otherwise put your question on here in its original form.
-If you send me something that I cannot understand for the life of me, I will kindly ask you to resend and clarify.
-I will always sign your name "Anonymous" unless you otherwise specify.
-I will advertise a lot. Just warning you.

With all that said, my e-mail is in my profile, as is my formspring. Send away!

Dr. O