Q: My question is rather simple. Haley, how do I tell my girlfriend to take care of her hygeine a little better? Recently, I've been noticing that her hair's a little greasy, her breath stinks, and sometimes she smells faintly of B.O. It just suddenly came on. She's not a hippie or anything, and she hasn't made any other lifestyle changes that would cause her to have altered hygeine. I promise, I am not trying to sound rude, as I adore my girlfriend and think she is the most beautiful, wonderful woman alive. How do I approach this issue without hurting her feelings?
--Dane
A: Ahhh, Dane, just your description of your girlfriend is enough for me to know that you are good man, my friend. She is lucky.
I am a big fan of honesty--even blunt honesty. There is no easy way to tell someone that they are overall smelly, but here's how I would approach it:
"Sweetie, can I talk to you about something? I love you, but I notice something different about you lately. You smell a little different than usual. You are still just as sexy as ever, but is everything okay? I'm just checking."
DO be prepared for an offensive woman, but it's not like you're gonna get anywhere any other way. She will get over it, she will understand, and depending on her sense of humor, she'll probably laugh her ass off. After that, she'll surely take care of it.
p.s. "She's not a hippie or anything..." LMAO, best part!
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Just My 2 Cents--Why I'll never marry a man for money: A BS free account
I woke up this morning with an extreme need to do a bit of finance research. Before you get too excited, though, I'll say that the only reason for this madness is that I'm taking an upper division finance class over winter session. Hello, new daily priorities. I'm so over it already.
I came across this article, and the Judgmental Jane in me wanted to immediately sound it off and possibly throw it into the fire. It basically describes how and why women who marry men for their wealth are "smart", basically rehashing idea as a new and innovative one for women. Yeah, okay. But, not so fast: does this article have POINTS?! That I AGREE with? Maybe.
Yes, I agree with being with a man (or woman) who is on your level as far as goals and dreams go. You want a man with ambition, whether that is aimed towards being the CFO of a Big Four accounting firm or towards being the King of the garbage men. A guy who doesn't settle for less than what he really wants is a quality that I can understand women being attracted to. I'm with a man like that myself. It's hot.
I also understand the idea of wanting to marry a "man with a plan", or at least some degree of it. Whether categorically rich, middle-class, or even borderline poor, you probably want a guy who is at least going to TRY and work to sculpt the future into something a little brighter--especially if you want kids. At least have a savings account. From what I hear, they cost about 200K to raise from birth to 18, not including hospital bills or college. To put it simply, that amount is a shit-load. Be prepared.
Finally, it is true that a guy should meet basic needs for himself and be able to hold some sort of a job. A guy should be able to pay the bills, pay his rent, and afford groceries for himself. Times are tough sometimes, and often, a guy could be broke as a joke for a completely legit reason. But laziness or misbehavior should not be one of those reasons, especially if you're in your mid-20s or older.
I told you I wouldn't BS you here. All of this is true, and you all know it.
Some of you ladies will agree with me but still LOVE to fantasize about the guy who flies you out to Italy in a private jet, takes you out on lavish shopping trips, and buys you a Mercedes. Some will say, "Haley, you can't ever deny that you wouldn't want that! It's every girl's dream!"
No. It's not. Because instead of fantasizing about a man doing that, I'm fantasizing about myself doing that.
Just as shallow, you say--but I'm not depending on someone else. Here's why.
Assuming a rich man "fell in love with you", take a good look at yourself. Hundred bucks says you're attractive. No, a thousand (and that's nearly a third of my current boob job fund, so you know I'm not messin' around). Oh, how flattering, you've found yet another guy who will ogle you for your appearance. Life is good.
But what happens after your precious appearance has gone? Any guy doting on you in such a way is most likely not in it for the riveting conversations you two have about global politics or fine theatre or medical advancements. Rich guys are still guys. They want sex. They're smart enough to know that, hey, money works. The minute your time is up, there's another hot piece around the corner waiting to attach herself to a financially savvy guy like a leech.
But oh, look at you! You may have managed to make it a little farther with Mr. Moneybags and the two of you are getting married--outstanding. You two "love" each other but down the road you realize that he never pays attention to you, he's never there for the kids, and one day, he leaves you for a younger, sexier, child-free woman. He's rich, after all. He can get anyone he wants. At the hopes of this all working out smoothly, it just so happens that you never went to college. Maybe you did, but it's not like you managed to ever find a job that'll reward you with HALF the funds your now ex would. A husband-favoring divorce later (ding ding ding, prenups!), you're on your ass.
Ladies, this is 2011. Two thousand and freaking eleven. Go to college. GO TO WORK. At least for a while. Everything that I stated above about men is something that women should be doing, too. We are living in a time with amazing opportunities for ourselves and if we put our mind to it, we can live any type of lifestyle we want.
Yes, we all fantasize about having kids and staying home with them and blah blah blah...all good and fine. Some women are meant to just be moms. If you really feel like that, your choice. But don't you at least want to try and go for the job of your dreams? Don't you, perhaps, want to at least consider finding a way to still work part-time while you're raising little ones? Or a job to go back to when they're older? Talk about being bored stiff, waiting for your 16-year-old to come home all day.
I'm not saying that every women needs to go out and try and become some sort of doctor or lawyer, or any other job associated with being "rich". Go be whatever you want, and the same goes for your husband. He can be whomever you wants, and if you're married to him, you should sure as hell admire who he has become. However, if you want the rich "lifestyle", don't go counting on another person to make that happen for you. YOU can do it. If you're dumped, it's a long way down from the top. Just saying.
Oh, and please don't take anything that I said offensively. Obviously my arguments are full of holes and exceptions, but it's part of my charm. There are plenty of wealthy, kind men out there who are looking for love. In addition, the man you're with now may end up being very wealthy someday--and he'll still be the same goofy, loving guy you married all those years ago. I'm just speaking through personal experience and trying to rally up women to see how awesome and capable they truly are. Allz I'm saying guys, is that we don't need to depend on the men. Besides, how stoked do you feel when you've saved up enough money to buy a designer clutch from Prada and you buy it knowing you're using your own money?! Times that by a thousand, girls, and you've got what it's like to be an Independent Woman.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Nothing wrong with a little light Facebook creeping...right?
Q: Dear Dr. O,
Im not going to lie and say I've never stolen a peek on a boyfriends facebook account, I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't give me a little thrill once I find a way on their account to "stalk" what they've been doing and who they have been talking to..I know this a big issue of trust and lately with my current boyfriend I haven't even wanted to know because I did trust him and the things he said to me. Lately though I noticed that he was talking to this one girl a lot. I mentioned it because his behaviors seemed a little extra shady and different, but all he said was that he had told her that he had a girlfriend and that I had nothing to worry about. I believed him or I believe him, but a couple days later when I realized he had left his facebook page open while he was at work and I was home alone on his computer I noticed a conversation he and this other girl were having. It was happening right in front of me, the girl kept bringing up the fact that he never wants to hang out with her and his response was always a long the lines of making excuses that he does want to hang out but is busy for now (no mention of a girlfriend)...low and behold I am feeling very anxious and hurt, the whole conversation let off a vibe from him that made me think he lied about ever telling this girl he had a girlfriend like he told me he did. My question is to you, how exactly do I bring this up without saying I found out about it by lurking his facebook, I'm just afriad that he will turn it around and make me seem like the crazy one or the wrong one...I mean I know I'm crazy but at least I'm not a liar.
--Love, Taylor
Q: Taylor, not only are you not a liar, but you are not crazy in the LEAST bit. Yes, it's not normally a good idea to delve into your partner's Facebook account, but you had a genuine concern and you investigated it. And boom, there you go: you find something to actually be concerned about...possibly. :)
Think about if your boyfriend might just be the kind of guy who has a lot of platonic, female friends. My ex was like that and he would talk to other girls frequently. He didn't see hanging out with girls (even alone, sometimes!) as a big deal and neither did the girls he hung with. He sometimes failed to mention he had a girlfriend, either because he assumed that the other girl knew, or knew that there was no romantic pretext to the friendship and therefore no need to immediately say "I have a GF, get off my junk." If he's this kinda guy, you probably have nothing at all to worry about.
The fact is, some guys are NOT like my ex. Many guys seek out female friendships primarily to have sexual/romantic liaisons with them. Is your boyfriend that kind of guy? I'm not trying to say he's like a super horn-dog or anything, but if he's the kind of guy who has (pretty much) all guy friends and isn't naturally drawn to girls for friendship, then this FB thing is definitely a feasible source of worry. If that's the case, one or both of the following things are happening:
1) He is insecure and afraid of being belittled by this girl for saying he has a girlfriend. This is going to sound weird, but have you ever been hit on by a guy, said you had a boyfriend, and then have the guy insult either you or your boyfriend? Well, that's what your boyfriend is probably afraid of. It sounds really stupid and random, but guys fear nothing more than a bruised ego, and unfortunately that's exactly what can happen to them if they reject another girl--even if it's for a perfectly good reason like a girlfriend. This isn't a for sure thing, but a reasonable speculation of mine.
2) Your boyfriend is flirting with other girls and possibly hanging out with them behind your back. The fact is, you know nothing about this UNTIL you talk to him. Which gets me to my answer to your ACTUAL question. ;)
Alter the truth a little bit (if possible) and say that you were already logged in on his account, thinking it was yours. Say that you clicked on your inbox and noticed a strange e-mail from a girl--or, if this was FB chat, a strange chat from a girl. The rest you can't really lie out of, unfortunately. If he thinks you're "crazy" for that, then he has lived a very sheltered and naive life.
The problem with just bringing the subject up casually without mentioning the "proof" you found is that unfortunately, he can still lie. But the FB chat is proof. With that, he can't lie. You should be able to find out your answer regarding what's going on after you ask him. Keep a sharp eye out for the future.
--Dr. O.
Im not going to lie and say I've never stolen a peek on a boyfriends facebook account, I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't give me a little thrill once I find a way on their account to "stalk" what they've been doing and who they have been talking to..I know this a big issue of trust and lately with my current boyfriend I haven't even wanted to know because I did trust him and the things he said to me. Lately though I noticed that he was talking to this one girl a lot. I mentioned it because his behaviors seemed a little extra shady and different, but all he said was that he had told her that he had a girlfriend and that I had nothing to worry about. I believed him or I believe him, but a couple days later when I realized he had left his facebook page open while he was at work and I was home alone on his computer I noticed a conversation he and this other girl were having. It was happening right in front of me, the girl kept bringing up the fact that he never wants to hang out with her and his response was always a long the lines of making excuses that he does want to hang out but is busy for now (no mention of a girlfriend)...low and behold I am feeling very anxious and hurt, the whole conversation let off a vibe from him that made me think he lied about ever telling this girl he had a girlfriend like he told me he did. My question is to you, how exactly do I bring this up without saying I found out about it by lurking his facebook, I'm just afriad that he will turn it around and make me seem like the crazy one or the wrong one...I mean I know I'm crazy but at least I'm not a liar.
--Love, Taylor
Q: Taylor, not only are you not a liar, but you are not crazy in the LEAST bit. Yes, it's not normally a good idea to delve into your partner's Facebook account, but you had a genuine concern and you investigated it. And boom, there you go: you find something to actually be concerned about...possibly. :)
Think about if your boyfriend might just be the kind of guy who has a lot of platonic, female friends. My ex was like that and he would talk to other girls frequently. He didn't see hanging out with girls (even alone, sometimes!) as a big deal and neither did the girls he hung with. He sometimes failed to mention he had a girlfriend, either because he assumed that the other girl knew, or knew that there was no romantic pretext to the friendship and therefore no need to immediately say "I have a GF, get off my junk." If he's this kinda guy, you probably have nothing at all to worry about.
The fact is, some guys are NOT like my ex. Many guys seek out female friendships primarily to have sexual/romantic liaisons with them. Is your boyfriend that kind of guy? I'm not trying to say he's like a super horn-dog or anything, but if he's the kind of guy who has (pretty much) all guy friends and isn't naturally drawn to girls for friendship, then this FB thing is definitely a feasible source of worry. If that's the case, one or both of the following things are happening:
1) He is insecure and afraid of being belittled by this girl for saying he has a girlfriend. This is going to sound weird, but have you ever been hit on by a guy, said you had a boyfriend, and then have the guy insult either you or your boyfriend? Well, that's what your boyfriend is probably afraid of. It sounds really stupid and random, but guys fear nothing more than a bruised ego, and unfortunately that's exactly what can happen to them if they reject another girl--even if it's for a perfectly good reason like a girlfriend. This isn't a for sure thing, but a reasonable speculation of mine.
2) Your boyfriend is flirting with other girls and possibly hanging out with them behind your back. The fact is, you know nothing about this UNTIL you talk to him. Which gets me to my answer to your ACTUAL question. ;)
Alter the truth a little bit (if possible) and say that you were already logged in on his account, thinking it was yours. Say that you clicked on your inbox and noticed a strange e-mail from a girl--or, if this was FB chat, a strange chat from a girl. The rest you can't really lie out of, unfortunately. If he thinks you're "crazy" for that, then he has lived a very sheltered and naive life.
The problem with just bringing the subject up casually without mentioning the "proof" you found is that unfortunately, he can still lie. But the FB chat is proof. With that, he can't lie. You should be able to find out your answer regarding what's going on after you ask him. Keep a sharp eye out for the future.
--Dr. O.
Is it OK for men to look at other women when they're in a relationship?
Q: hayley! im sooooo livid right now! my boyfriend is driving me insane. weve been together about 2 years and since we have dated he has always oogled other girls. stopped saying stuff about them a long time ago (like oh damn shes fit id fuck her) but its still obvious that he looks (i see it when we go out). he also lied to me about having a ton of blokes magazine, going to strip bars and he is basically addicted to porn.
i am not normally jealous but i am starting to feel a bit insecure really, like wondering if im good enough. he says he fancies me and that i should be 'thankful that he deosnt cheat"...SERIOUSLY!?!??? how am i supposed to take that???!
anyways, am i supposed to be this bothered that he is always fantasising about other girls even though he says he loves me?? am i crazy?? help!
--Nichole
A: Nichole, you couldn't be further from crazy!
Before I really address the "issues" that are clearly happening here, I do feel the need to say that looking is something that EVERYONE does, is 100% natural, and is something that we all need to get past. I notice attractive people the same way I notice a well-done painting or a fancy automobile--it looks nice, yes, but I don't want to be with it and I don't want to have sex with it! And yes, to some extent, we all have fleeting thoughts and fantasies about others, but it in no way means that we want them over our partner, find them more attractive than our partner, etc. We are just humans. Frequently looking at other people in a SEXUAL manner is something different.
Your boyfriend is going above and beyond what is "normal" and acceptable for a man in a committed relationship.
For starters: Looking is one thing, commenting is another. Other people are OBVIOUSLY attractive from time to time, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to not want to hear about how attractive they are from the person you love. Especially if they're saying how "hot" or "fit" someone else is or how they want to "fuck" someone else--good God! If you must address their appearance, saying that someone is "pretty" or "looks nice" is plenty sufficient. I'm glad he stopped that, at least.
The whole magazine and strip thing would bug me, too, because your boyfriend is literally paying to stare at "attractive" women naked. It's not like they're passing by or popping up on TV. This doesn't bother some women but IMHO, it's kind of weird. If your boyfriend went to strip clubs at the will of his buddies, that'd be a whole different story, but your boyfriend actually WANTS to go...yeah, he's basically trying to get as close as he can to sexual arousal from another woman without cheating.
Porn is more understandable, because it is a) chock full of good ideas b) basically "objects" getting it on and c) can actually be fun for some adventurous couples to watch. And hell, if you're gone and your BF wants to imagine a scenario with, say, YOU two doing it, porn can get him right on track.
I do, however, think it goes pretty awry when porn replaces real sex, if a man watches porn specifically to fantasize about other women, or if a man cannot function without looking at porn. You are a person who has so much more than a body to offer--you have emotion, humor, intelligence...he should prefer you any day. In my opinion, porn is at the top of the "Food Pyramid" of sex--use sparingly.
Finally, the worst part about all this is what your boyfriend said to you. Not cheating in a relationship should be a given. You are so much better than a guy who says that to you. It shouldn't be an Olympic feat or a "great sacrifice" to want to be freaking faithful and devoted to your partner.
Well, there are my thoughts. Many readers may disagree with them, but every person is different, as is every couple. Nichole, I wish you the best, but please don't tolerate this crap from your BF anymore! Best wishes!
--Dr. O.
i am not normally jealous but i am starting to feel a bit insecure really, like wondering if im good enough. he says he fancies me and that i should be 'thankful that he deosnt cheat"...SERIOUSLY!?!??? how am i supposed to take that???!
anyways, am i supposed to be this bothered that he is always fantasising about other girls even though he says he loves me?? am i crazy?? help!
--Nichole
A: Nichole, you couldn't be further from crazy!
Before I really address the "issues" that are clearly happening here, I do feel the need to say that looking is something that EVERYONE does, is 100% natural, and is something that we all need to get past. I notice attractive people the same way I notice a well-done painting or a fancy automobile--it looks nice, yes, but I don't want to be with it and I don't want to have sex with it! And yes, to some extent, we all have fleeting thoughts and fantasies about others, but it in no way means that we want them over our partner, find them more attractive than our partner, etc. We are just humans. Frequently looking at other people in a SEXUAL manner is something different.
Your boyfriend is going above and beyond what is "normal" and acceptable for a man in a committed relationship.
For starters: Looking is one thing, commenting is another. Other people are OBVIOUSLY attractive from time to time, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to not want to hear about how attractive they are from the person you love. Especially if they're saying how "hot" or "fit" someone else is or how they want to "fuck" someone else--good God! If you must address their appearance, saying that someone is "pretty" or "looks nice" is plenty sufficient. I'm glad he stopped that, at least.
The whole magazine and strip thing would bug me, too, because your boyfriend is literally paying to stare at "attractive" women naked. It's not like they're passing by or popping up on TV. This doesn't bother some women but IMHO, it's kind of weird. If your boyfriend went to strip clubs at the will of his buddies, that'd be a whole different story, but your boyfriend actually WANTS to go...yeah, he's basically trying to get as close as he can to sexual arousal from another woman without cheating.
Porn is more understandable, because it is a) chock full of good ideas b) basically "objects" getting it on and c) can actually be fun for some adventurous couples to watch. And hell, if you're gone and your BF wants to imagine a scenario with, say, YOU two doing it, porn can get him right on track.
I do, however, think it goes pretty awry when porn replaces real sex, if a man watches porn specifically to fantasize about other women, or if a man cannot function without looking at porn. You are a person who has so much more than a body to offer--you have emotion, humor, intelligence...he should prefer you any day. In my opinion, porn is at the top of the "Food Pyramid" of sex--use sparingly.
Finally, the worst part about all this is what your boyfriend said to you. Not cheating in a relationship should be a given. You are so much better than a guy who says that to you. It shouldn't be an Olympic feat or a "great sacrifice" to want to be freaking faithful and devoted to your partner.
Well, there are my thoughts. Many readers may disagree with them, but every person is different, as is every couple. Nichole, I wish you the best, but please don't tolerate this crap from your BF anymore! Best wishes!
--Dr. O.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Meet the Parents...JK, you can't.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together, "officially," for a little over a year now. Although my parents know him pretty well, and the two of us go to dinner at my parent's house (which is about half an hour away) once every one or two weeks, I have only met his parents a few times, and never as his "girlfriend." I thought we were pretty serious; we've talked about living together, and I know I want to live with him, but although he seems sincere, I'm starting to have my doubts. I try to get him to take me with him to see his parents all the time. When he goes to church with them on Sundays (his parents also live half an hour away), I ask if I can go too, and he almost always says no. I've been with them a couple of times, and his parents seem to like me. They have invited me over for lunch after, and have invited me to come with them to church whenever I want. And because they don't know that we're dating, they have even told my boyfriend not to "lead me on."
Okay, I understand that our parents' are different, my parents, although slightly conservative, are very accepting, and like him way more than they've liked any of my other boyfriends. (As they should, he's a genuinely great guy, and, all-around, a much better person than any of my exes were.) His parents, on the other hand, are very conservative. They don't like piercings or tattoos, both of which I have (though I take my lip rings out when I'm around them, and all of my tattoos are hidden), amongst other little things. Every time I ask him why I can't meet his parents, he says it's because he's always been the black sheep of the family, and he doesn't want to screw our relationship up by bringing his parents into it. He says that he wants us to last, but thinks that if his parents knew about us, they would convince either him or the both of us that we're not good for each other.
So, basically, I want to meet his parents, as his girlfriend, so I can feel more secure in our future together. He doesn't want this to happen for the same reason. How can we come to peace over all this?
--Elizabeth
A: The way I see it, one (or both) of the following things are probably happening here:
1) There is a lot more to his relationship with his parents than he's told you. There may be some bad things that he has not told you about, partially in fear of scaring you away. It can be anything from him never feeling totally accepted by his family to some sort of abuse. I promise, I am NOT trying to scare you or jump to radical conclusions. I am only saying this because I know little of the situation and I am just trying to cover all bases. Bottom line: he is afraid of bringing his family into the mix because he is embarrassed of/ashamed of/afraid of THEM, and/or potentially afraid of them bringing you into their "drama".
2) The other scenario is that he does not want to integrate you into his closest circles because he does not want to think of you in a super-serious manner. I know it sounds harsh, and rather "odd" considering the fact that you've been together for a year, but it is possible. Consider this: was he a "ladies man" (lol) before you guys got serious? Do you ever have doubts about how committed he is to the relationship? Unfortunately, a lack of integration can be a classic sign of a guy who's afraid to fully have a girlfriend.
Honestly, I don't really feel like it's 2, at all. But again, I'm trying to cover all bases. Personally, my best guess would be that it's a very mild case of 1. After all, you said his parents seem like nice people who enjoy your company. I know that a few years ago I personally had trouble bringing significant others around my parents, why? Because they were just too damn conservative! Really, even far into a relationship it can be a huge source of insecurity, albeit a slightly dumb one. I bet that's probably what your boyfriend's going through.
In ANY case...the best next step for you is to TALK to him. Express your feelings in a calm way and ask if there is any particular reason why he thinks that it will "screw up the relationship" if you are brought into the mix. It's a little rude of him to saw that, anyway, so make him elaborate. You have the right to know as a girlfriend.
I wish you the best of luck. :)
--Dr. O.
Bride to Be or Not to Be
Q: Hi Haley, I have a question about my boyfriend. We are both 21 and attend the same college, and have dated since we were college freshman. Strangely enough, we are both from the same city in MI which is where our families live and where we stay for summer break and winter break.
Recently, my boyfriend has been talking about marriage, including me moving with him to work in Washington DC. He is in public relations and it is important that he lives there. Personally, I am not opposed to living there to be with him but if it were up to me, I would want to live further up in Boston or NYC, or possibly California. Again though, I could probably learn to like it if my boyfriend was there. The problem is, I kind of feel like my boyfriend is doing away with my own plans and only paying attention to his. I want to write for a Boston, LA, or NYC newspaper, it has always been my dream. He knows this but also says that Washington is a great place to do it. I know it is, but it's not my ideal place.
I just don't know if I am ready to get married and drop my whole life for someone. We will be graduating soon, me before him, and then it will be decision time, but I don't know what to say to him anymore. He wants to have kids soon, and he also wants to have a wife that is home a lot. I know that I can be home but I am not going to drop my job and have kids while I am 24, 25? It's just scaring me. I love him, but I don't know if I can marry him.
I know my question is convoluted but what do I do now? Thank you so much.
--Deena
A: Deena, don't even worry about it. I know exactly what you are trying to ask.
The truth is, college relationships can be fun, rewarding, and even turn into life-long, happy marriages. However, the vast majority do not. Often they are rife with drama and immaturity, or, like in your case, it is simply a matter of mismatched goals. That being said, you might not like what I'm going to tell you.
You have been with this guy for how long, 2, 2 and 1/2 years? Yes, it's a long time, but you may need to reconsider whether you can even be with this guy any more, let alone marry him. You say that he is disregarding your goals. You are 21, Deena, you should be living out your dreams to the fullest and it should be on YOUR terms, not his. You are not married yet and these types of compromises are completely unnecessary given your circumstances. You can't be with a guy who doesn't respect what's most important to you.
It's also weird that he is talking about kids so early. Everyone talks about marriage and children once they get deep into a relationship, but having KIDS? 2 or 3 years from now? Yeah, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you're down for that, and I don't blame you.
It just sounds like your boyfriend is immature and a little self-centered--nothing TOO out of the ordinary, but I don't think that's what you need. Unless two college-aged people have similar post-graduation goals, family plans, and living plans, they probably won't last together after college. It's unfortunate, but I'm just letting you know.
Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to stay with your boyfriend is up to you. Despite your mismatches, you may still feel like your boyfriend is kind, helpful, respectful, and all-around wonderful. If you really feel this way, then ride it out for a little longer. In any case, I wish you the best of luck.
--Dr. O.
Recently, my boyfriend has been talking about marriage, including me moving with him to work in Washington DC. He is in public relations and it is important that he lives there. Personally, I am not opposed to living there to be with him but if it were up to me, I would want to live further up in Boston or NYC, or possibly California. Again though, I could probably learn to like it if my boyfriend was there. The problem is, I kind of feel like my boyfriend is doing away with my own plans and only paying attention to his. I want to write for a Boston, LA, or NYC newspaper, it has always been my dream. He knows this but also says that Washington is a great place to do it. I know it is, but it's not my ideal place.
I just don't know if I am ready to get married and drop my whole life for someone. We will be graduating soon, me before him, and then it will be decision time, but I don't know what to say to him anymore. He wants to have kids soon, and he also wants to have a wife that is home a lot. I know that I can be home but I am not going to drop my job and have kids while I am 24, 25? It's just scaring me. I love him, but I don't know if I can marry him.
I know my question is convoluted but what do I do now? Thank you so much.
--Deena
A: Deena, don't even worry about it. I know exactly what you are trying to ask.
The truth is, college relationships can be fun, rewarding, and even turn into life-long, happy marriages. However, the vast majority do not. Often they are rife with drama and immaturity, or, like in your case, it is simply a matter of mismatched goals. That being said, you might not like what I'm going to tell you.
You have been with this guy for how long, 2, 2 and 1/2 years? Yes, it's a long time, but you may need to reconsider whether you can even be with this guy any more, let alone marry him. You say that he is disregarding your goals. You are 21, Deena, you should be living out your dreams to the fullest and it should be on YOUR terms, not his. You are not married yet and these types of compromises are completely unnecessary given your circumstances. You can't be with a guy who doesn't respect what's most important to you.
It's also weird that he is talking about kids so early. Everyone talks about marriage and children once they get deep into a relationship, but having KIDS? 2 or 3 years from now? Yeah, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you're down for that, and I don't blame you.
It just sounds like your boyfriend is immature and a little self-centered--nothing TOO out of the ordinary, but I don't think that's what you need. Unless two college-aged people have similar post-graduation goals, family plans, and living plans, they probably won't last together after college. It's unfortunate, but I'm just letting you know.
Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to stay with your boyfriend is up to you. Despite your mismatches, you may still feel like your boyfriend is kind, helpful, respectful, and all-around wonderful. If you really feel this way, then ride it out for a little longer. In any case, I wish you the best of luck.
--Dr. O.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
How to: (Really) Get Over an Ex
Getting over an ex clearly isn't an easy thing, especially if the relationship was particularly long or if either party made a sizable offense against the other. However, if you feel that you need to break it off with someone for good, then it's important that you do it properly. Here are ways that you can alleviate the pain and accelerate your new life as a single person!
1. Utilize the block feature of your Facebook or any other social networking site you use. This is crucial. These sites are annoying enough while you're in a relationship, so imagine how hard it's going to be seeing your now-ex in pictures with other people and flirting with them on wall posts.
2. If you can, block all phone numbers of your now-ex. AND KEEP IT THAT WAY. Believe me, there are ways that you can do this. If you have Verizon, e-mail me and I can tell you how. If you have any questions about it, call your provider. If you can't block them for whatever reason, just don't answer the phone when they call and immediately delete any voicemails.
3. Do not let friends fill you in on what is going in your ex's life. You don't care. They are out of your life. Hearing anything will just be hurtful and unnecessary.
4. Avoid places that you know your ex will be and if you do happen to catch a glimpse of them, avoid them like the plague or leave. Do not be tempted into following or watching them.
5. Finally, have a life. Yes, it goes without saying that you spend as much time as possible being with friends, family, and your interests after a breakup. Yes, we should obviously pay attention to these things whether we're in a relationship or not, but this is crucial.
Time will heal all things--cliched, but true. Do these things and you'll heal a hell of a lot faster.
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