Is it OK for men to look at other women when they're in a relationship?

Q: hayley! im sooooo livid right now! my boyfriend is driving me insane. weve been together about 2 years and since we have dated he has always oogled other girls. stopped saying stuff about them a long time ago (like oh damn shes fit id fuck her) but its still obvious that he looks (i see it when we go out). he also lied to me about having a ton of blokes magazine, going to strip bars and he is basically addicted to porn.
i am not normally jealous but i am starting to feel a bit insecure really, like wondering if im good enough. he says he fancies me and that i should be 'thankful that he deosnt cheat"...SERIOUSLY!?!??? how am i supposed to take that???!
anyways, am i supposed to be this bothered that he is always fantasising about other girls even though he says he loves me?? am i crazy?? help!


--Nichole


A: Nichole, you couldn't be further from crazy!

Before I really address the "issues" that are clearly happening here, I do feel the need to say that looking is something that EVERYONE does, is 100% natural, and is something that we all need to get past. I notice attractive people the same way I notice a well-done painting or a fancy automobile--it looks nice, yes, but I don't want to be with it and I don't want to have sex with it! And yes, to some extent, we all have fleeting thoughts and fantasies about others, but it in no way means that we want them over our partner, find them more attractive than our partner, etc. We are just humans. Frequently looking at other people in a SEXUAL manner is something different.

Your boyfriend is going above and beyond what is "normal" and acceptable for a man in a committed relationship.

For starters: Looking is one thing, commenting is another. Other people are OBVIOUSLY attractive from time to time, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to not want to hear about how attractive they are from the person you love. Especially if they're saying how "hot" or "fit" someone else is or how they want to "fuck" someone else--good God! If you must address their appearance, saying that someone is "pretty" or "looks nice" is plenty sufficient. I'm glad he stopped that, at least.

The whole magazine and strip thing would bug me, too, because your boyfriend is literally paying to stare at "attractive" women naked. It's not like they're passing by or popping up on TV. This doesn't bother some women but IMHO, it's kind of weird. If your boyfriend went to strip clubs at the will of his buddies, that'd be a whole different story, but your boyfriend actually WANTS to go...yeah, he's basically trying to get as close as he can to sexual arousal from another woman without cheating.

Porn is more understandable, because it is a) chock full of good ideas b) basically "objects" getting it on and c) can actually be fun for some adventurous couples to watch. And hell, if you're gone and your BF wants to imagine a scenario with, say, YOU two doing it, porn can get him right on track.
I do, however, think it goes pretty awry when porn replaces real sex, if a man watches porn specifically to fantasize about other women, or if a man cannot function without looking at porn. You are a person who has so much more than a body to offer--you have emotion, humor, intelligence...he should prefer you any day. In my opinion, porn is at the top of the "Food Pyramid" of sex--use sparingly.

Finally, the worst part about all this is what your boyfriend said to you. Not cheating in a relationship should be a given. You are so much better than a guy who says that to you. It shouldn't be an Olympic feat or a "great sacrifice" to want to be freaking faithful and devoted to your partner. 


Well, there are my thoughts. Many readers may disagree with them, but every person is different, as is every couple. Nichole, I wish you the best, but please don't tolerate this crap from your BF anymore! Best wishes!

--Dr. O.

Meet the Parents...JK, you can't.

Q:  My boyfriend and I have been together, "officially," for a little over a year now. Although my parents know him pretty well, and the two of us go to dinner at my parent's house (which is about half an hour away) once every one or two weeks, I have only met his parents a few times, and never as his "girlfriend." I thought we were pretty serious; we've talked about living together, and I know I want to live with him, but although he seems sincere, I'm starting to have my doubts. I try to get him to take me with him to see his parents all the time. When he goes to church with them on Sundays (his parents also live half an hour away), I ask if I can go too, and he almost always says no. I've been with them a couple of times, and his parents seem to like me. They have invited me over for lunch after, and have invited me to come with them to church whenever I want. And because they don't know that we're dating, they have even told my boyfriend not to "lead me on."

     Okay, I understand that our parents' are different, my parents, although slightly conservative, are very accepting, and like him way more than they've liked any of my other boyfriends. (As they should, he's a genuinely great guy, and, all-around, a much better person than any of my exes were.) His parents, on the other hand, are very conservative. They don't like piercings or tattoos, both of which I have (though I take my lip rings out when I'm around them, and all of my tattoos are hidden), amongst other little things. Every time I ask him why I can't meet his parents, he says it's because he's always been the black sheep of the family, and he doesn't want to screw our relationship up by bringing his parents into it. He says that he wants us to last, but thinks that if his parents knew about us, they would convince either him or the both of us that we're not good for each other.

     So, basically, I want to meet his parents, as his girlfriend, so I can feel more secure in our future together. He doesn't want this to happen for the same reason. How can we come to peace over all this?

--Elizabeth

A: The way I see it, one (or both) of the following things are probably happening here:

1) There is a lot more to his relationship with his parents than he's told you. There may be some bad things that he has not told you about, partially in fear of scaring you away. It can be anything from him never feeling totally accepted by his family to some sort of abuse. I promise, I am NOT trying to scare you or jump to radical conclusions. I am only saying this because I know little of the situation and I am just trying to cover all bases. Bottom line: he is afraid of bringing his family into the mix because he is embarrassed of/ashamed of/afraid of THEM, and/or potentially afraid of them bringing you into their "drama".

2) The other scenario is that he does not want to integrate you into his closest circles because he does not want to think of you in a super-serious manner. I know it sounds harsh, and rather "odd" considering the fact that you've been together for a year, but it is possible. Consider this: was he a "ladies man" (lol) before you guys got serious? Do you ever have doubts about how committed he is to the relationship? Unfortunately, a lack of integration can be a classic sign of a guy who's afraid to fully have a girlfriend.

Honestly, I don't really feel like it's 2, at all. But again, I'm trying to cover all bases. Personally, my best guess would be that it's a very mild case of 1. After all, you said his parents seem like nice people who enjoy your company. I know that a few years ago I personally had trouble bringing significant others around my parents, why? Because they were just too damn conservative! Really, even far into a relationship it can be a huge source of insecurity, albeit a slightly dumb one. I bet that's probably what your boyfriend's going through.

In ANY case...the best next step for you is to TALK to him. Express your feelings in a calm way and ask if there is any particular reason why he thinks that it will "screw up the relationship" if you are brought into the mix. It's a little rude of him to saw that, anyway, so make him elaborate. You have the right to know as a girlfriend.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

--Dr. O.

Bride to Be or Not to Be

Q: Hi Haley, I have a question about my boyfriend. We are both 21 and attend the same college, and have dated since we were college freshman. Strangely enough, we are both from the same city in MI which is where our families live and where we stay for summer break and winter break. 


Recently, my boyfriend has been talking about marriage, including me moving with him to work in Washington DC. He is in public relations and it is important that he lives there. Personally, I am not opposed to living there to be with him but if it were up to me, I would want to live further up in Boston or NYC, or possibly California. Again though, I could probably learn to like it if my boyfriend was there. The problem is, I kind of feel like my boyfriend is doing away with my own plans and only paying attention to his. I want to write for a Boston, LA, or NYC newspaper, it has always been my dream. He knows this but also says that Washington is a great place to do it. I know it is, but it's not my ideal place. 


I just don't know if I am ready to get married and drop my whole life for someone. We will be graduating soon, me before him, and then it will be decision time, but I don't know what to say to him anymore. He wants to have kids soon, and he also wants to have a wife that is home a lot. I know that I can be home but I am not going to drop my job and have kids while I am 24, 25? It's just scaring me. I love him, but I don't know if I can marry him.


I know my question is convoluted but what do I do now? Thank you so much.


--Deena


A: Deena, don't even worry about it. I know exactly what you are trying to ask.

The truth is, college relationships can be fun, rewarding, and even turn into life-long, happy marriages. However, the vast majority do not. Often they are rife with drama and immaturity, or, like in your case, it is simply a matter of mismatched goals. That being said, you might not like what I'm going to tell you.

You have been with this guy for how long, 2, 2 and 1/2 years? Yes, it's a long time, but you may need to reconsider whether you can even be with this guy any more, let alone marry him. You say that he is disregarding your goals. You are 21, Deena, you should be living out your dreams to the fullest and it should be on YOUR terms, not his. You are not married yet and these types of compromises are completely unnecessary given your circumstances. You can't be with a guy who doesn't respect what's most important to you.

It's also weird that he is talking about kids so early. Everyone talks about marriage and children once they get deep into a relationship, but having KIDS? 2 or 3 years from now? Yeah, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you're down for that, and I don't blame you.

It just sounds like your boyfriend is immature and a little self-centered--nothing TOO out of the ordinary, but I don't think that's what you need. Unless two college-aged people have similar post-graduation goals, family plans, and living plans, they probably won't last together after college. It's unfortunate, but I'm just letting you know.

Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to stay with your boyfriend is up to you. Despite your mismatches, you may still feel like your boyfriend is kind, helpful, respectful, and all-around wonderful. If you really feel this way, then ride it out for a little longer. In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

--Dr. O.

How to: (Really) Get Over an Ex

Getting over an ex clearly isn't an easy thing, especially if the relationship was particularly long or if either party made a sizable offense against the other. However, if you feel that you need to break it off with someone for good, then it's important that you do it properly. Here are ways that you can alleviate the pain and accelerate your new life as a single person!

1. Utilize the block feature of your Facebook or any other social networking site you use. This is crucial. These sites are annoying enough while you're in a relationship, so imagine how hard it's going to be seeing your now-ex in pictures with other people and flirting with them on wall posts.

2. If you can, block all phone numbers of your now-ex. AND KEEP IT THAT WAY. Believe me, there are ways that you can do this. If you have Verizon, e-mail me and I can tell you how. If you have any questions about it, call your provider. If you can't block them for whatever reason, just don't answer the phone when they call and immediately delete any voicemails.

3. Do not let friends fill you in on what is going in your ex's life. You don't care. They are out of your life. Hearing anything will just be hurtful and unnecessary.

4. Avoid places that you know your ex will be and if you do happen to catch a glimpse of them, avoid them like the plague or leave. Do not be tempted into following or watching them.

5. Finally, have a life. Yes, it goes without saying that you spend as much time as possible being with friends, family, and your interests after a breakup. Yes, we should obviously pay attention to these things whether we're in a relationship or not, but this is crucial.

Time will heal all things--cliched, but true. Do these things and you'll heal a hell of a lot faster.

Girls who like boys who like boys

Q: I come to you with a problem that has been unsettling me very deeply. I'm 19, in college, and I identify as a gay male. For the last four months, I have been in my first significant relationship of my life. And on top of that, she's...well, a she. At first, this was a non-issue. More of a matter of me opening my mind to love her for who she is than her junk. Yadda yadda. And I do love her, very deeply. But the problem is that I do not think I can be with her as her boyfriend. My "gayness" has been rearing it's head, and I've become...very unhappy in this relationship. I've come to the logical conclusion that I should break it off, but I'm terrified to go ahead with that, because I don't want to lose her friendship. She has told me that she doesn't think we'd ever be able to be friends, or even be around each other at all if we were to break up because it would be too painful for her. (We share an enormous number of mutual friends, so this would be difficult.) What I would like to know is, is there some sort of secret way to let her down easy, which would make a continuation of our friendship more likely? Or should I just prepare to start making new friends?

--Jays

A: It is always important that you go with your heart, sexuality-wise. We can love people all we want for reasons other than their "junk" (hehe) but in the end, sex DOES matter. You are not going to be able to have a functioning relationship without an eventual degree of intimacy--it's just a fact. 

That being said, this relationship cannot continue in any romantic way.

The truth is, there's never a way to truly let someone down easy, so you might as well just tell her the truth. You care for her, you respect her, and you are willing to be her friend, but you are not sexually attracted to women. It would be not only unfair to you, but unfair to HER, if you continued this relationship. 

The next part, naturally, is the whole friend thing. I assume that you have a decent amount of non-mutual friends, so hang out with them a little more. Don't shun your old, mutual friends, but don't hang out with them and your ex at the same time. Also, don't trash talk your ex--I don't think you will at all, just sayin'. I guess all of that is common sense. :P

I do think that you will need to separate yourself from this girl for a while, after the whole break-up thing that is. Regardless of how YOU feel, she has made it clear that it would be damn near impossible to remain friends with you directly after the breakup. She has big-time feelings for you, that's why! Now, that's not to say that you can't be friends down the road, but the hard truth is that you simply cannot be around each other for a while. If you lose her as a friend FOREVER over this...well, I hate to sound cliched, but she was just not worth it. 

There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you like, and hopefully your soon-to-be-ex will understand that. If she's a true friend, she will. She will recover and move on (romantically), and so will you. Just be honest with her and don't let her guilt trip you into doing something that will eventually leave you both unhappy.

Best of luck. :)

--Dr O.

Battle of the boy and the BFFL

Q: I have been with this guy for 8 months now. 4 years ago, my best friend, Zanne, dated him. They only dated for about 3 months, and she dumped him. So, when I started dating him 4 years after she did, she seemed ok with it. Now, she absolutely hates everything about him. My boyfriend, Michael, and Zanne are the only friends I have, and they cant stand each other. They dis each other regularly, and it hurts me to hear.

I have talked to both of them about this situation and how its hard for me to be stuck in the middle of. They both agree to back off, but then they go at it again the next week. I've tried to fix the situation many times, but its always the same story.

I'm not sure where to go from hear. I feel like I cant talk about my best friend to my boyfriend, or talk about him to her. Please help me. I cant take this much longer.

--Aly

A: Aly, unfortunately your situation is not an uncommon one. However, it is extremely immature and spiteful of your boyfriend and best friend to be doing this, especially if they are fighting over their relationship from 4+ years ago. 

You say that you have tried to talk to both of them, and I believe that. Don't try to analyze them or talk to them any further about their hatred. There is no point in trying to figure out why they hate each other so much, because it's just going to be petty and immature.

The best that you can do is hang out with them individually, FAR away from the other person. If whomever you're hanging out with starts trashing the other person, tell them "Zanne (or Michael), I'd really appreciate it if you'd not talk about my boyfriend (or my best friend) that way. I understand that you don't like her (or him) and I get that, but I'm not going to be in the middle of it any more. You're hanging out with me right now." BE FIRM. If they continue to act immaturely, then tell whoever it is that you will see them tomorrow or something and leave.

You say that they are your only friends. I don't believe this is necessarily true, but regardless of anything, you need to find someone whom you can discuss your issues with Zanne and Michael with. Someone who is easily accessible, lives by you, and who you can talk to in person any time you want. For many reasons, boyfriends and best friends frustrate us, but you have learned that venting to either of them is disastrous. If you are close with anyone else--parents, other relatives, other friends--that'll help a lot. If not, possibly look into finding a counselor at home who you can see every week or so.

Best of luck, and please, don't be afraid to stand up to your friends if they continue this BS! :)

--Dr. O

Is there no one out there? (CONTINUED!!)

Q: Update: wow! haha, you hit the nail right on the head. My ex really did it in for me. Screwed me up. First time i had been broken up with too so i can see where my problems stem from. But what i have tried to do, because i am sort of realizing i might have this sense of never finding the perfect one, i have been trying to find girls i have never met. like blind dates. meeting girls at parties, like in different cities. Most of the time i have had some sort of connection with the girl i date. I have known her in some way. Like my ex, i dated her 3 years prior to the last time. so i am dating out of my league also. older women. wayyyy hotter women than i have ever tried. weird chicks haha. even the occasional pot smoker (blah) . maybe my strategy is too outlandish. I feel im trying to hard. but i have only had two relationships last longer than 2 weeks. and they were 2 months almost on the dot. i guess i just get bored. is there something im looking for in particular? some sort of girl i should aim for? maybe the perfect girl is right in front of me. Which she very well may be. There is this really cute girl but she is a really good friend too. But she doesnt know all my secrets and when she finds out were probably going to lose each other. Any more advice?


--Jake


A: Alright, I will take it from the top. :)


The first time that you are broken up with sucks so bad, you feel like your heart is evaporating and your face is falling off. During my freshman year of college, I got broken up with by a guy and stayed in my bed, crying, for two weeks. We had not even dated for three months! Anyway, it's tough, but we all go through it. The key thing to remember, folks, is that just because someone breaks up with us doesn't mean that we're the ones with the problem. Insecurity can break a relationship, so leave your baggage at the door.


It's a great thing that you are getting out there and dating all different types of people and dating in different scenarios. Honestly, the experience that you will gain from that will serve you unbelievably well for your "Miss Right". 


However, I think I've identified another problem you have: you get bored easily. It's good that you know that, but think about this, now: are you READY for a commitment? I mean, seriously, what are you really looking for? I realize that a relationship seems fun and kinda glamorous, but it really takes a person who is ready. I'm not calling you immature, just throwin' it out there :) Do you want a girlfriend, or do you have fun dating around?


Again, my old advice stands. Don't be so eager to find Miss Right yet. Keep being selective. Keep being true to yourself. And finally, don't feel bad dating around and not loving the selection! You are young. 


--Dr. O