Q: I'm dating a new guy. He's EXACTLY what I want. We are going on a couple dates a week & text everyday. We had our first no sex sleepover. Just cuddles. We both want it bad but respect eachother. When do I have sex with him? Not just when it feels "right".
--Anonymous
A: Don't worry, I won't tell you to do it when it feels "right". The fact is, it's always gonna feel that way, because the minute you see someone you want to pursue, you generally have at least SOME thoughts about what it'd be like to be intimate with them.
However, people do need to be careful when timing sex, as well as many other things that signify the next step being taken in a relationship. Other examples of these are spending a whole romantic day together, meeting parents, or buying a major gift. You cannot do these things too early, or it will jeopardize the relationship.
That being said, if you really like this guy, wait until a) you can see yourself long-term with him and b) you feel reasonably assured that you can trust him. Generally, this takes a couple months, but it could take longer or shorter depending on the kind of person you are. Always use your best judgment, as you have to remember that a lot of guys aren't looking for commitment.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Reader question: Sage Before Beauty
Q: Hey Haley, just stumbled on your website and I must say I love it. My question concerns a problem I have with a girl I've been talking to for a few months now. I am in my first year of college, so obviously there is still a lot of clique-ish behavior going on here. One may see me and describe me as a "nerd", I guess. I am a physics major so that doesn't help much. I met my current interest on my dorm floor. We occasionally do homework together but that's the extent of it. However, I can tell that she enjoys being around me because she frequently asks me to help her with homework alone, in her dorm room, and we laugh together a lot. It's hard to say this but I am not the best looking guy around and I often see Claire, the girl I like, talking to a guy on our floor who is a lot better looking than I am. Typical popular, jock guy. I can tell she probably likes him but is there any chance for me? I am a smart guy and I treat her very kindly and I can't say the same for this guy because to be honest I have seen him talk to a lot of other girls. He seems like a jerk. Anyways, is there hope for me? Thanks.
--Smyth
A: Smyth, I'm just gonna start by saying that as contrived and, perhaps, "BS-y" as it sounds, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You'd be surprised by how drastically tastes change jumping from one human to the next. In addition to that, I know from experience that human beings get sick of looking at the same ol' mug in the mirror day in and day out. Even if you aren't generally considered to be good-looking anyway, our own vision STILL makes it worse.
If you truly aren't a person generally considered to be good-looking, though...there's something you need to know about being a guy: it doesn't matter.
You seem to have brains, humor, and kindness--traits that will last forever. A person with only looks (a la the Douchey McDoucheinstein that's trying to creep on Claire) isn't gonna get too far in life. Looks may help you out sometimes, but those who only have that quality are destined for a lonely life. But I won't get into that here today.
The truth is, Claire may be smitten with the looks of this guy, she may not be. She can still like you at the same time, though. I'd be willing to bet that she does see something in you if she's letting you help her out alone...in her room! Just keep your confidence up and be yourself around her. Good-looking or not, a girl is plain stupid if she doesn't give a guy with so many good qualities a chance.
I am going to assume that you haven't asked her to do something yet. DO IT. Make it casual, like eating at a school restaurant or going to a movie. You don't have to make a move or anything, but try and see if she'll hang out like that. If she does, rest assured that you're one step closer to pushing Douche Lord straight out the way.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
--Smyth
A: Smyth, I'm just gonna start by saying that as contrived and, perhaps, "BS-y" as it sounds, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You'd be surprised by how drastically tastes change jumping from one human to the next. In addition to that, I know from experience that human beings get sick of looking at the same ol' mug in the mirror day in and day out. Even if you aren't generally considered to be good-looking anyway, our own vision STILL makes it worse.
If you truly aren't a person generally considered to be good-looking, though...there's something you need to know about being a guy: it doesn't matter.
You seem to have brains, humor, and kindness--traits that will last forever. A person with only looks (a la the Douchey McDoucheinstein that's trying to creep on Claire) isn't gonna get too far in life. Looks may help you out sometimes, but those who only have that quality are destined for a lonely life. But I won't get into that here today.
The truth is, Claire may be smitten with the looks of this guy, she may not be. She can still like you at the same time, though. I'd be willing to bet that she does see something in you if she's letting you help her out alone...in her room! Just keep your confidence up and be yourself around her. Good-looking or not, a girl is plain stupid if she doesn't give a guy with so many good qualities a chance.
I am going to assume that you haven't asked her to do something yet. DO IT. Make it casual, like eating at a school restaurant or going to a movie. You don't have to make a move or anything, but try and see if she'll hang out like that. If she does, rest assured that you're one step closer to pushing Douche Lord straight out the way.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Can men and women REALLY be just friends?
No, let's really examine this in detail. It's about damn time.
I was once again inspired this morning by one of my dearest friends--lucky me, although ad money knocking on my door would be sweet, too. This time, the topic of conversation between the inspirer and myself was opposite sex friendships. Woooo, smokies, do we have a topic here.
Now, I will remind the reader that I am not talking about two single people--that's a whole 'nother can o' worms. I am mostly talking about an opposite sex friendship where at least one of the people involved is in a relationship. That's the key fact here.
Let's illustrate. Say that I have a straight, single, male friend. We'll call him Joe. I like Joe, because he's a funny dude, an interesting person to talk to, and a genuinely nice guy. However, I have a boyfriend, who incidentally happens to be the man of my dreams. Therefore, I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in Joe.
Joe and I hang out frequently alone. Our conversations get deeper, and on my end I am just happy to have someone as another friend. However, Joe starts to realize that his feelings for me go beyond friendship. Before I know it, Joe tries to kiss me. I push him away violently, but realize that I let the friendship go too far, and we cease talking.
Sound familiar, girls and boys?
Honestly, don't even try to tell me that you've never heard of this crap happening. It can also happen when BOTH people are in relationships, too, and--worse--the two people can actually fall for each other. Sound like something you wanna deal with? I didn't think so.
Now, even with example-a-plenty, this still doesn't quite make sense to a lot of people right off the bat. A lot of people feel that they should be able to hang out with whomever they want--it's a matter of "trust" in a lot of peoples' eyes. I can't disagree with that, but even still: you have to remember that even if YOU, the committed person, don't make a mistake, you cannot guarantee that the person on the other end won't fall for you. If they do, consequences range from their frustration building to the point where they act "weird" around you to they try and make a move on you, thereby jeopardizing your relationship and ruining your friendship. Not fun.
More people will say, "But I've known Jane/Joe forever! I don't have feelings for her/him, why can't we hang out alone anymore?" Obviously, I'm not of the opinion that you need to cease conversation with that person forever or start avoiding them. If you really care about your friendship and HONESTLY feel like there's no funny business between you two, then introduce them to your partner. Hang out all together, and then see how things go. I think this is huge.
What if Jane/Joe is gay? Obviously, WAY different story. I know full well that my gay friends won't make a move on me. You're probably in the clear. I would still introduce your partner just in case.
Speaking of LGBTers, if you're in a same-sex relationship (regardless of orientation), I would say that it's pretty self-explanatory that the rule is reversed. Duh. Don't hang out with the same sex alone, generally, but opposite sex is probably nothing to worry about. Again, though, introducing your partner is KEY!
You get the idea. It may be kind of a "case-by-case" scenario, but I still think the general rule is the safest one. If you haven't guessed, I myself have *not* had the greatest luck with partners and their friends, and I've had a handful of opposite (and same) sex friends fall for me while I have a partner. I'm not saying you can never hang out with someone alone while you have a partner, I'm just saying: think about the situation and whether it's truly appropriate. Like most things in life, this all comes down to judgment. Use your judgment wisely.
--Dr. O.
I was once again inspired this morning by one of my dearest friends--lucky me, although ad money knocking on my door would be sweet, too. This time, the topic of conversation between the inspirer and myself was opposite sex friendships. Woooo, smokies, do we have a topic here.
Now, I will remind the reader that I am not talking about two single people--that's a whole 'nother can o' worms. I am mostly talking about an opposite sex friendship where at least one of the people involved is in a relationship. That's the key fact here.
Let's illustrate. Say that I have a straight, single, male friend. We'll call him Joe. I like Joe, because he's a funny dude, an interesting person to talk to, and a genuinely nice guy. However, I have a boyfriend, who incidentally happens to be the man of my dreams. Therefore, I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in Joe.
Joe and I hang out frequently alone. Our conversations get deeper, and on my end I am just happy to have someone as another friend. However, Joe starts to realize that his feelings for me go beyond friendship. Before I know it, Joe tries to kiss me. I push him away violently, but realize that I let the friendship go too far, and we cease talking.
Sound familiar, girls and boys?
Honestly, don't even try to tell me that you've never heard of this crap happening. It can also happen when BOTH people are in relationships, too, and--worse--the two people can actually fall for each other. Sound like something you wanna deal with? I didn't think so.
Now, even with example-a-plenty, this still doesn't quite make sense to a lot of people right off the bat. A lot of people feel that they should be able to hang out with whomever they want--it's a matter of "trust" in a lot of peoples' eyes. I can't disagree with that, but even still: you have to remember that even if YOU, the committed person, don't make a mistake, you cannot guarantee that the person on the other end won't fall for you. If they do, consequences range from their frustration building to the point where they act "weird" around you to they try and make a move on you, thereby jeopardizing your relationship and ruining your friendship. Not fun.
More people will say, "But I've known Jane/Joe forever! I don't have feelings for her/him, why can't we hang out alone anymore?" Obviously, I'm not of the opinion that you need to cease conversation with that person forever or start avoiding them. If you really care about your friendship and HONESTLY feel like there's no funny business between you two, then introduce them to your partner. Hang out all together, and then see how things go. I think this is huge.
What if Jane/Joe is gay? Obviously, WAY different story. I know full well that my gay friends won't make a move on me. You're probably in the clear. I would still introduce your partner just in case.
Speaking of LGBTers, if you're in a same-sex relationship (regardless of orientation), I would say that it's pretty self-explanatory that the rule is reversed. Duh. Don't hang out with the same sex alone, generally, but opposite sex is probably nothing to worry about. Again, though, introducing your partner is KEY!
You get the idea. It may be kind of a "case-by-case" scenario, but I still think the general rule is the safest one. If you haven't guessed, I myself have *not* had the greatest luck with partners and their friends, and I've had a handful of opposite (and same) sex friends fall for me while I have a partner. I'm not saying you can never hang out with someone alone while you have a partner, I'm just saying: think about the situation and whether it's truly appropriate. Like most things in life, this all comes down to judgment. Use your judgment wisely.
--Dr. O.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Is giving money to your partner ever warranted?
It's been a few, friends. Not only that, but I won't be able to afford ads for another week or so. Looks like you're stickin' with me till then.
I spoke recently with a friend who told me that she was deliberating helping her boyfriend pay for something. It wasn't a shirt, or a meal, or even an iPod. It was a car. A CAR! However, this wasn't a live-in boyfriend, nor one with whom she had spent a considerable amount of time. This was, as it turns out, a 3-month (if that) whirlwind of crap that went way beyond requests for thousands of dollars to be paid over time.
Apparently, this guy has also "politely" attempted to ask for assistance with stuff such as rent, groceries, and pet supplies. Hearing my disbelief-tinged remarks, my friend assured me that he was "fully intending" to pay her back--right.
"He's just going through a hard time right now, what right do I have to deny him?"
In a nicer and more forgiving tone, my answer would have been "every right in the world."
Obviously this problem is a little more transparent/easy to answer given the following two criteria. For one, he is specifically asking for help. It's not like she's offering up her services here--my friend has made it pretty clear that her dude was the initiator. Second, it's been a mere 12 weeks and he is already showing a dependence on her. It's not like they're married, hell, it's not like they're even a "serious" couple, in the opinion of my friend. It goes without saying that this situation is troubling, but what about others?
Say you've been dating a boyfriend for a year. He loses his job and thus begins slowly losing his ability to pay for not only you, but himself. Obviously, you've been involved with this guy for long enough that you've built a sincere love for (and loyalty to) him. You figure it'd be pretty rude to not help out a little, so you pay his rent for the month. You go out to dinner that week, so you also decide to pay for his dinner. Before you know it, you're pay for every dinner--and every breakfast and lunch, for that matter. Before you know it, you're supporting someone else like they're your child.
That's creepy.
(Before I go on, I will say that I'm being a bit unfair by providing only female-supporting-male issues here. Obviously I don't believe that this issue is exclusive to females in heterosexual relationships, but I do believe it's probably more common for them. Women generally have an uncannily giving and maternal nature, so when we let it get out of hand it will inevitably turn into this.)
The truth is, helping out a partner who is in extreme need once or twice isn't going to break your bank, nor will it necessarily destroy the equity of the relationship. However, depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, it is almost never appropriate to ask for help--let your partner decide whether they'll lend their hand.
In addition, I personally feel like there's a certain age when behavior like this should stop altogether; there should never be an instance where a 50-year-old man asks for money from his wife or girlfriend, but it is slightly more acceptable if it happens once or twice in the lifetime of a 25-year-old. At a certain age, you should have your life together. If not, you're not fit for a relationship, plain and simple.
I would appreciate any additional questions or comments on this matter. I will most likely go back and edit this if needed, but suggestions would really catalyze this.
--Dr. O.
I spoke recently with a friend who told me that she was deliberating helping her boyfriend pay for something. It wasn't a shirt, or a meal, or even an iPod. It was a car. A CAR! However, this wasn't a live-in boyfriend, nor one with whom she had spent a considerable amount of time. This was, as it turns out, a 3-month (if that) whirlwind of crap that went way beyond requests for thousands of dollars to be paid over time.
Apparently, this guy has also "politely" attempted to ask for assistance with stuff such as rent, groceries, and pet supplies. Hearing my disbelief-tinged remarks, my friend assured me that he was "fully intending" to pay her back--right.
"He's just going through a hard time right now, what right do I have to deny him?"
In a nicer and more forgiving tone, my answer would have been "every right in the world."
Obviously this problem is a little more transparent/easy to answer given the following two criteria. For one, he is specifically asking for help. It's not like she's offering up her services here--my friend has made it pretty clear that her dude was the initiator. Second, it's been a mere 12 weeks and he is already showing a dependence on her. It's not like they're married, hell, it's not like they're even a "serious" couple, in the opinion of my friend. It goes without saying that this situation is troubling, but what about others?
Say you've been dating a boyfriend for a year. He loses his job and thus begins slowly losing his ability to pay for not only you, but himself. Obviously, you've been involved with this guy for long enough that you've built a sincere love for (and loyalty to) him. You figure it'd be pretty rude to not help out a little, so you pay his rent for the month. You go out to dinner that week, so you also decide to pay for his dinner. Before you know it, you're pay for every dinner--and every breakfast and lunch, for that matter. Before you know it, you're supporting someone else like they're your child.
That's creepy.
(Before I go on, I will say that I'm being a bit unfair by providing only female-supporting-male issues here. Obviously I don't believe that this issue is exclusive to females in heterosexual relationships, but I do believe it's probably more common for them. Women generally have an uncannily giving and maternal nature, so when we let it get out of hand it will inevitably turn into this.)
The truth is, helping out a partner who is in extreme need once or twice isn't going to break your bank, nor will it necessarily destroy the equity of the relationship. However, depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, it is almost never appropriate to ask for help--let your partner decide whether they'll lend their hand.
In addition, I personally feel like there's a certain age when behavior like this should stop altogether; there should never be an instance where a 50-year-old man asks for money from his wife or girlfriend, but it is slightly more acceptable if it happens once or twice in the lifetime of a 25-year-old. At a certain age, you should have your life together. If not, you're not fit for a relationship, plain and simple.
I would appreciate any additional questions or comments on this matter. I will most likely go back and edit this if needed, but suggestions would really catalyze this.
--Dr. O.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Single or relationship?
Q: Haley, lately I've been struggling with being single. I feel like I am ready to date but I also feel like I will miss being single if I do find someone. In your opinion, what is better-single or dating? Thanks.
--Anonymous
A: Anon, what a classic, essential question. It's definitely something that everyone struggles with at some point, but at the end of the day, the answer is simple: do what you're ready for and only with the right person (if you choose commitment).
Let me explain. First of all, relationship status is a time-and-place-contingent one. For some people, being single is the right choice right now. For some, they are perfect in their relationship. One should really make sure that they are ready to be in a relationship given everything else in their life. That being said, you need to consider school, work, future plans, geography, friends, and, above all, your relationship with yourself. Most people in their teens and early 20s are best off being single in order to become better acquainted with who they are and what they need. However, many people in relationships at this time are in the perfect position because they have perhaps found "the one" already, or at least someone decent who could possibly be the one.
Second, relationship status is also about the other person involved. Do not choose to be in a relationship simply because you need to fill a void or because you see other people happy, etc...only choose commitment with someone whom you honestly think you have a chance at long-term with. Do not get tangled up in someone who's values you disagree with or whom you are incompatible with--breakups can suck, especially after a fostered attachment. Be picky. Only get into a relationship with someone who's excellent.
I know that was long, but it's something that I've found works. The bottom line is that the "better" choice depends on the people involved. I take relationships very seriously, so I don't get into them (or advise getting into them) unless you are willing to be truly committed for a long time (at least!) and accept both the pros and cons of another person. In your case, I say you're not ready, simply by the fact that you say you will "miss being single". Spend some time being single, then, and when you do find the person who makes you never want to miss it again, then maybe you've found someone. :)
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: Anon, what a classic, essential question. It's definitely something that everyone struggles with at some point, but at the end of the day, the answer is simple: do what you're ready for and only with the right person (if you choose commitment).
Let me explain. First of all, relationship status is a time-and-place-contingent one. For some people, being single is the right choice right now. For some, they are perfect in their relationship. One should really make sure that they are ready to be in a relationship given everything else in their life. That being said, you need to consider school, work, future plans, geography, friends, and, above all, your relationship with yourself. Most people in their teens and early 20s are best off being single in order to become better acquainted with who they are and what they need. However, many people in relationships at this time are in the perfect position because they have perhaps found "the one" already, or at least someone decent who could possibly be the one.
Second, relationship status is also about the other person involved. Do not choose to be in a relationship simply because you need to fill a void or because you see other people happy, etc...only choose commitment with someone whom you honestly think you have a chance at long-term with. Do not get tangled up in someone who's values you disagree with or whom you are incompatible with--breakups can suck, especially after a fostered attachment. Be picky. Only get into a relationship with someone who's excellent.
I know that was long, but it's something that I've found works. The bottom line is that the "better" choice depends on the people involved. I take relationships very seriously, so I don't get into them (or advise getting into them) unless you are willing to be truly committed for a long time (at least!) and accept both the pros and cons of another person. In your case, I say you're not ready, simply by the fact that you say you will "miss being single". Spend some time being single, then, and when you do find the person who makes you never want to miss it again, then maybe you've found someone. :)
--Dr. O.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
How often should a boyfriend call you?
I occasionally like to research common relationship questions on Google--a fact which may further incriminate me as a love junkie and extreme nerd. However, some of my favorite things to read are not from other self-proclaimed gurus, psychologists, or other old people, but from real people speaking from experience.
I came across this topic on an AnswerBag post: "How often should a boyfriend call you?" The answers are pretty funny and actually very informative.
Check it out here.
In my opinion, the answer to this question really depends on the seriousness of the relationship. If you're just dating a guy somewhat casually, a call once a day or every other day should suffice. For a "real" relationship, he should definitely make at least one attempt a day, if not 2-3. Women should make an effort, too; it's up to both people to show their interest. Whether you're a guy or a girl, aim to make at least one attempt to contact your partner each and every day, if possible.
Of course, some people just don't like to talk that much. Although it's not something I come across often, some people prefer to limit their contact with their partner to as little as once every few days or something. I'm not for or against that, but remember to choose someone who has similar communication needs to you. If you like to talk three times a day and your partner likes to give a quick call a couple times a week, that's not gonna work and it never will.
I want to stress gender-neutral language here so that you LGBTers know that I'm talking to YOU, too. Just because you're both guys or both girls doesn't mean that you both are going to communicate the same way. Stick with the once-a-day rule and regardless of how your relationship is, never fully depend on someone else to show interest while you just sit back. Like the old folks say, it takes two to tango. Never forget that.
--Dr. O.
I came across this topic on an AnswerBag post: "How often should a boyfriend call you?" The answers are pretty funny and actually very informative.
Check it out here.
In my opinion, the answer to this question really depends on the seriousness of the relationship. If you're just dating a guy somewhat casually, a call once a day or every other day should suffice. For a "real" relationship, he should definitely make at least one attempt a day, if not 2-3. Women should make an effort, too; it's up to both people to show their interest. Whether you're a guy or a girl, aim to make at least one attempt to contact your partner each and every day, if possible.
Of course, some people just don't like to talk that much. Although it's not something I come across often, some people prefer to limit their contact with their partner to as little as once every few days or something. I'm not for or against that, but remember to choose someone who has similar communication needs to you. If you like to talk three times a day and your partner likes to give a quick call a couple times a week, that's not gonna work and it never will.
I want to stress gender-neutral language here so that you LGBTers know that I'm talking to YOU, too. Just because you're both guys or both girls doesn't mean that you both are going to communicate the same way. Stick with the once-a-day rule and regardless of how your relationship is, never fully depend on someone else to show interest while you just sit back. Like the old folks say, it takes two to tango. Never forget that.
--Dr. O.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Online Dating 101
Q: What are your thoughts about online dating sites, are the rules different? What are the guidelines to texting, meeting in person. Is there a generic rule book on dating to follow? Ie. When to text first, how long to wait, are most interested in love?
A: I'll be honest: I'm no expert in online dating. In fact, it used to kind of scare me. However, allow me to swallow my pride and admit that, YES, I have tried it before and find that it can be a great way for people to meet potential mates--especially if you are excruciatingly shy or if you are having trouble finding members of the same sex to meet.
A lot of my friends are getting in the mood to try it lately, and I say go for it. As far as "rules" go, I say it should be just like normal dating with a few twists. Here are some guidelines that I think people should follow if they do decide to brave the vast web-ocean that is internet dating.
1. Check out peoples' profiles in depth before you initiate contact.
Be honest with yourself--there ARE a lot of wackjobs out there. It's not hard to spot a "fake" profile out there, so use your brain. If you spot a profile of a beautiful girl who wants to "trade pix" with you and whose only listed interests include "sex" and variations thereof, ummm...yeah, you are dealing with one of the millions of profiles that creepy people (men and women alike) use to bait innocent onliners like you.
In addition, there are plenty of real live people out there who have their interests and stories laid out for you to see. Take advantage of that, and make sure the cute guy you're chatting up isn't a white supremacist or a 40-year-old living at home or a Celtics fan (hahahahahaha). It will save you a lot of trouble.
2. DO NOT LIE ON YOUR PROFILE.
Be yourself. If someone doesn't like who you are or how you look, they can screw off. Putting up pictures of your 16-year-old self when you're 35 or saying that you're a partner at a law firm when you do data entry in an office is not going to serve you well in the end.
3. Meet as soon as possible, and meet in public.
Ideally, you should meet with the person you begin talking with that very week. If someone puts off meeting you for too long, it's usually a sign of something. Make it like a one-hour meeting at a coffee shop. The length is so that you leave enough to the imagination and the public-ness is so that nobody gets any wrong ideas--also, to make sure you are safe. Honestly, this isn't a great "first date", but it's the best way to go about it. Make the first date after this.
That's it.
Those are the twists, those are the differences.
The only thing I would probably add is to not make a big deal that it's an online meeting if everything goes smoothly after a few dates. Treat it like any other relationship. Who texts first, how long do you wait for things...these questions will naturally be answered and one should abide by their own personal values for any relationship, whether they are dealing with an online-initiated one or a RL-initiated one.
--Dr. O.
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