Reader question: How I get over a guy who's a "player"?

Q: How do I get over a guy who constantly reels me back in and his friends say hes a player? It seems impossible because he's so charming and we have so many similar interests that I don't think twice about other guys. HELP DR. OH!


--Anonymous


A: Ohhh, Anon, when will we learn? When will the day come that us females finally start paying attention to the nice guys and stop swooning over the butt-heads that don't give a crap? It's understandable that people love the mystery of a charismatic badass, but only to a certain extent. A guy doesn't need to be a manipulative player to be mysterious and cool. 


The truth is, it's not as impossible as you think to rid yourself of this type of "charming fellow", especially if you start by, well, "fighting fire with fire".


That's right--ignore him. Resist his charm. Start pursuing other guys. See how he likes it. Now, I'm not suggesting that you be rude or that you rub your other male conquests in his face, but make it *subtly clear* that you aren't interested. Surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in your personal hobbies and interests. I hate to say it, girly, but guys like this will leave you hanging for the rest of your life if you don't start by putting them out of sight and mind. 


After a period of feigning disinterest, you will really start to feel disinterested. I promise! However, you really have to focus on surrounding yourself with other people and things. He may feel like the only guy in the world right now, but he's not. There are plenty of awesome, hot guys with interests that match yours. Recognize that part of his appeal is only coming from this "badass" facade he carries and move on. Oh, and if he tries to get you back, don't fall for that! It's never gonna change--you deserve so much better than that!


Best of luck!


--Dr. O.

Reader question: How can I get my best friend back?

Q: Dear Haley,

I used to BEST FRIENDS with this girl. She went to my school, but she was 1 grade ahead of me. We were the kind of friends that told eachother absolutely everything. We could talk about any thing, and say anything without getting mad at eachother. We would do everyhing together. But then somehting happened and im not sure what it was. She just stopped talking to me, and I guess I did too. Her friend told me once that she started crying at school because we werent friends anymore. Were friends now, and this happened like a year ago. But now she has this friend and theyre how we used to be. I feel like ive been replaced and it hurts. All  of us are friends and were all close, but theyre the ones that always have to sit togehter and  do everything together...just like me and her used to be. How can I be her best friend again??

--Anonymous

A: Ahhh, good ol' young friendship. I wish I could start out by saying something other than that. :P The truth is, Anon, when you're 14 years old, friendships roll like waves. Up and down they go, and the cycle never seems to end. It may leave you WTFing, but there is hope.

You are lucky that you are still in the company of your friend--why not make the most of it? Start out by subtly bringing up good times that you guys have had together. Trust me, it'll get her thinking--especially if you heard she cried because she misses you! If you feel like things are going well, ask your friend if she wants to go do something alone, like shopping or something of that nature. See how she acts and how much she discusses with you. If you feel weird, this is when you have to pay attention to how you feel. Maybe the reason you guys have grown apart is because you simply don't have that much in common anymore. However, hanging out more frequently just might get things back to the way they used to be.

No matter what happens, understand that some friends, unfortunately, will come and go. You probably won't meet most of your "lifelong" friends until you're in college or even working. Be true to yourself and be the best friend you can be to others--people will flock to you. If your old bestie doesn't get how awesome you are, your next best friend is probably right around the corner. :)

Best of luck!

--Dr. O. 

Reader question: I cheated on my boyfriend. Now what?

Q: It was just happen last week when his cousins, aunt, uncle, and I went skiing; but he didn't go because he had to work. We went up to the mountain, but, his cousins, and his aunt had to go back to the town with out go skiing. So another cousin who is a guy and I decided to go back later in order to go skiing and his uncle will take care of us. His cousin and I had a fun time go skiing and it led us to be too close. Actually, his cousin used to like me and he is a player, but I thought that it wouldn't happen to me because he knows that I love his cousin who is my bf. 

I don't know if it is because of it or not, but I didn't talk to my bf as much one day because he had somebody in his apartment and not really have time to talk to me. I felt lonely that night and his cousin slept next to me, then I kissed his cousin. I was kind of enjoy it but it is not as hot as my bf's. His cousin asked me for sex but I said no. I feel really guilty about it, so I told my bf. He gets pissed and mad. It is really hurt him. He is a person who cares about me a lot and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

--Caaake

A: Caaake, I know that this is a tough situation for you, and it's honorable that you told your boyfriend about what happened. In my opinion, you should tell your partner about any cheating that occurs as soon as you possibly can - I know it sounds difficult, but you gotta do it, readers! Anyway, It's a good thing that you didn't have sex with this other guy. However...

You really need to evaluate how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend. Were you really happy with him? What made you want to do something with another guy? Are you ready for a relationship? Think about it.

The simple fact is, you cheated, and you can't take it back. Unfortunately, it's pretty difficult to rebuild trust after something like this happens, and if you stay with your boyfriend you will definitely have to work very hard to rebuild that trust.

Look, people make mistakes, Caaake. It's life. I wish I could tell you things to make you feel better, but I believe that you will need to learn from this mistake. As long as you learn from it, you'll be fine. Time heals all things, including situations like this.

Think about what YOU want, then talk to your boyfriend.


Note to other readers: If you find yourself in the same situation as Caaake, please feel free to send me your original stories. My opinion is going to be a little different depending on each person's circumstances!

Best of luck!

--Dr. O.

Reader question: Has my boyfriend stopped caring?

Q: Hi Haley! I have a boyfriend but how can I tell that he really loves me? He used to do all these sweet things and just recently, it stopped. I may have been too clingy or he may have been so used to his other girlfriends taking care of him, idk...


--Anonymous


A: Unfortunately, Anon, we (as women) have to remember that men are VERY different in how they express emotions. It is a proven fact. One of the things that goes along with this is that men simply are not as romantically affectionate as women are, generally speaking.


Another thing to consider is that after a while, both parties get "comfortable" in a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean a loss of interest, but it does usually indicate a loss of the anxiety associated with losing someone or "keeping them on their toes". The sweet things slow down and the all-day text-a-thons are few and far between. In all honesty, this comfort can be kind of a good thing as long as it doesn't go too far, as it can signify that true love is forming over an infatuation.


Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let's explore the possibility of him actually having lost interest, why, and what you can do about it.


First off, evaluate your own actions and give yourself an honest assessment. Do not overanalyze. If you were truly clingy, you would know and he most likely would have said something. Consider if you have been too nice or too giving to him. I have mentioned in other posts that this behavior is not good. Giving is fine, over-giving is not.


Next, evaluate his actions. Is he blatantly showing a lack of interest, or has he just been busy lately? There's a difference.


If you honestly believe that he's lost interest, it's probably because his own lack of maturity/ability to commit/etc. If he hasn't said anything to you, I am going to assume you're not THAT bad, haha. I am not going to jump to conclusions about his actions, but do you think it's possible that he's cheating or doing something close to it? That's looking in deep and also a WHOLE 'nother can of worms; I digress...


If I were you, I would approach him about it, politely, simply by saying that you feel "distant" from him lately. Say whatever you want to say, really, but make it as non-confrontational as possible. Note your feelings on his reaction to that conversation, as hesitation on his part means something's up. You might wanna keep me updated on this situation...


Best of luck!


--Dr. O.

Reader question: Why did I cheat on my boyfriend in my dream?

Q: Dear Dr. O., I am continuously having dreams about cheating on my boyfriend, and they are all too real. I wake up devastated and upset even though they're fake, but I can't help but feel like something else is going on. Why do I keep dreaming about this, I love my boyfriend and would never do this! Am I a bad girlfriend? Do I want to cheat? Is he cheating? HELPPP!


-Anonymous


A: Hi Anon, it's funny that you ask me this. I am plagued by disturbing dreams often--it comes from having a mind that's a little too analytical. My entrance into the accounting profession has thus far served me well. ;)


Anyways, the first thing you need to do is stop worrying. Dreams are not prophecies, nor are they accurate depictions of who we are as people. As I like to say, dreams are your brain's way of talking to you. Unfortunately, it can be a poor communicator.


The truth is, if you are truly happy and satisfied with your relationship, your dreams are probably a sign of guilt over another issue--probably one that has NOTHING to do with your relationship! For example, if you have lied about something or cheated on a test lately, your subconscious could be a little unsettled and therefore could be taking it out on you using the dreams. Since you mention that you've had a lot of dreams like this lately, it could be one big thing or multiple small things. Whatever the case, think about your life and your actions as of late. If there is a looming problem, fix it. Your dreams will go away if you have less to worry about during your conscious life.


Be positive and ignore your worries about those dreams. That will help shoo them away, too.


Best of luck!


-Dr. O.

Reader question: Do I forgive a guy who's really late on a date?

Q: Hey Haley! Okay- first of all, I really hope you can re-word this, haven't had coffee yet. So my question seems pretty simple compared to the ones I see you usually get, but my boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago and since then I had been hanging with other guys. There's one I've really started liking. I haven't felt like this about a guy since I was 16 (I'm 22 now). Everything has been going great, he's into me too- blah, blah, blah- but yesterday we agreed on a meet up time of 2:45 in a public place, just to meet half way, and I was waiting around for AN HOUR AND A HALF, no phone call, no text, nothing... it's not like I wasn't enjoying my coffee, and shopping- I was- but if I cared about someone at all, I would have sent them a text to let them know I was running late- just out of consideration. I really liked this guy, and the fact that I am still thinking about it is killing me- because it seems so petty. But usually I would never waste my time with someone who would do that. Eventually he did show up- we drove down the street and I had him take me back to my car- he's been apologizing and then asked for me to be his girlfriend... but I can't seem to shake what happened. Am I being ridiculous? -Thanks xx

--Anonymous

A: Anon, I hope you forgive me for the excessive questions I'm about to ask you, but I want to make sure that I tackle this situation appropriately. How long have you known this guy? Is there anything else that he's done that's been a little sketchy? Do you really like this guy, or are you looking for some romantic relief after your last ex? Granted, you can simply answer these questions for yourself and then go from there, because if you answer "not long" to the first and "yes" to the last two, you might wanna think about slowing it down and possibly moving on altogether.

To recap: a guy you started liking basically sent out a huge red flag by being incredibly late to pick you up without so much as a two-word text. That's EXACTLY what that was--a red flag. Has he explained exactly why that happened? It had better be something good.

To answer your main question, NO, you are not being ridiculous. And if your intuition is telling you to be on alert, there's a good chance that this guy is bad news. Slow things down a little and don't accept his proposal just yet. Hang out a little more and see how it goes. Remember, don't settle. Ever. 

Let me know if you need more analysis or help. Best of luck!

--Dr. O.

Reader question: Why do I want a baby so badly?

Q: hi haley. i am 17 years old. i have wanted a baby soo bad for about 2 years and i don't really understand why. it is like an overwhelming feeling that has been occurring ever since i left my boyfriend, who was really horrible to me. ever since then, ironically, is when i've wanted one. i have talked to my parents about this and they are extremely worried but i know that i could take care of a baby because i have a job and have even started to work on a plan that can allow me to go to school(college) and care for a child. i am thinking about adopting because i can't depend on any guy my age haha. anyways i am struggling with this, what do i do? i know this doesn't have to do with relationships but i feel like you could help me with this, thank you. 


--Danielle


A: Danielle, I'm glad you've asked this question, as I feel that this affinity towards motherhood is something that strikes a lot of women at some point in their lives. In addition to that, your question in particular absolutely DOES have something to do with relationships, and I'll tell you why.


As I've stated, women are naturally inflicted by feelings of desire towards being a mother, as that is a byproduct of our instinct/general trait of nurture. However, your feelings are likely amplified because you have been very hurt at a very young age. You are probably left with the feeling that you just want to be loved without getting heartbreak in return. Yes, a baby will do that, but there is so much more to a child than just sharing love...


The key fact that most non-mothers don't realize is that when you have a child, you no longer have "your own life". The focus is now on your child. It becomes about THEIR life, not yours. Everything you have ever wanted to do in life now takes an extra consideration. Travel will become nearly impossible for a while, both financially and time-wise. Your social life will seem nonexistent at times. And school...trust me, is not too doable. What sort of plan do you have regarding school? Are you going to school online? No matter what it is, you're still going to have to enlist the help of a babysitter if you want to focus and do well. Forget about going to a university, unless you REALLY have some help behind you.


Finally, with adoption. I was adopted, and my parents were married, in their 30s, and with a combined income of over $80,000 (if not more? IDK, it was the 80s :P). Guess how long it took for them to find my birth-mom? TWO years. Sweetheart, the adoption process is nooo walk in the park. The odds of a single, 17-year-old girl with an entry-level salary finding a match is too minuscule to even comprehend. 


I could go on and on, but I'm not a mom--I just KNOW a lot of moms. Talk to any YOUNG mom in particular, and they will have countless stories for you. Yes, children are beautiful, children are blessings, and children are one of the greatest things in life. But unfortunately, you just aren't ready to experience that if you think it will be easy. Really think about your goals and dreams and really think about how much your ex's cruelty impacted you. I think it's best if you move on from those experiences, take the knowledge of them with you, and enjoy your life for now, Danielle.


I wish you the best of happiness and please feel free to e-mail me more anytime.


Best of luck,


--Dr. O.