Friday, February 25, 2011

Reader question: Why "friend zone" placement happens to guys.

Q: Dear Haley,

I'm a nice guy that has much respect for all women.
When it comes to women i feel i can talk to them very well, keep a good conversation going, and i always try to make a 
good first impression. But it seems every time i always seem to get put into the friend zone and i never get the chance to try and make a relationship out of it or at least the chance to try to date them.
Is there something that i am doing wrong?
Mr. Always Set Aside 

A: Mr. Always Set Aside, I feel your pain in the weirdest way. I can tell that you and I are one in the same as far as having a giving, loving, and accommodating personality. However, I'm going to have to make a weird request of you (though, mind you, I also gave myself the same request recently): you are going to have to be less "nice"!
The reason that you are being put into the "friend zone" by the girls you know is most likely because you are just too damn nice. I'm serious! It sounds crazy, but such a thing does exist. Ask yourself the following questions:

-Do you make yourself too available to girls, either to hang out or to talk about their problems?
-Do you give a lot to girls (gifts, time, compliments) without getting a lot in return?
-Are you too forgiving of your female acquaintances, even if they have hurt you in the past?
-When you do get the chance to get romantically close to a girl, do you move a little too fast?
-Do you do "everything" for the girl you like?

There are a million more that I can ask, but just generally think about your actions around girls.
Unfortunately, people are hypocritical. We grow up thinking we want the perfect prince or the loveliest princess, but we end up desiring the offbeat rebel who makes us chase them till we're out of breath. I try not to use myself as an example, but I'll tell you that I didn't fall for my boyfriend because he was always at my every whim, always talking to me, or always bringing my flowers. No, I fell for him because although he was a great guy and a loving person, he was someone who clearly had his own thing going on and had a little mystery to him. Mr. SAS, The key word is mystery. Have some, and it will save you. The truth is, you can still be a nice and great guy, but tone down some of your actions and words and only reserve your kindest actions for the lady who truly deserves it. You can balance being awesome and being mysterious, I promise you that. Take it down a notch one step at a time and eventually you will find your own personal balance that works for you. You deserve the best for yourself, always remember that.

Best of luck!

--Dr. O.

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