Reader question: How I get over a guy who's a "player"?

Q: How do I get over a guy who constantly reels me back in and his friends say hes a player? It seems impossible because he's so charming and we have so many similar interests that I don't think twice about other guys. HELP DR. OH!


--Anonymous


A: Ohhh, Anon, when will we learn? When will the day come that us females finally start paying attention to the nice guys and stop swooning over the butt-heads that don't give a crap? It's understandable that people love the mystery of a charismatic badass, but only to a certain extent. A guy doesn't need to be a manipulative player to be mysterious and cool. 


The truth is, it's not as impossible as you think to rid yourself of this type of "charming fellow", especially if you start by, well, "fighting fire with fire".


That's right--ignore him. Resist his charm. Start pursuing other guys. See how he likes it. Now, I'm not suggesting that you be rude or that you rub your other male conquests in his face, but make it *subtly clear* that you aren't interested. Surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in your personal hobbies and interests. I hate to say it, girly, but guys like this will leave you hanging for the rest of your life if you don't start by putting them out of sight and mind. 


After a period of feigning disinterest, you will really start to feel disinterested. I promise! However, you really have to focus on surrounding yourself with other people and things. He may feel like the only guy in the world right now, but he's not. There are plenty of awesome, hot guys with interests that match yours. Recognize that part of his appeal is only coming from this "badass" facade he carries and move on. Oh, and if he tries to get you back, don't fall for that! It's never gonna change--you deserve so much better than that!


Best of luck!


--Dr. O.

Reader question: How can I get my best friend back?

Q: Dear Haley,

I used to BEST FRIENDS with this girl. She went to my school, but she was 1 grade ahead of me. We were the kind of friends that told eachother absolutely everything. We could talk about any thing, and say anything without getting mad at eachother. We would do everyhing together. But then somehting happened and im not sure what it was. She just stopped talking to me, and I guess I did too. Her friend told me once that she started crying at school because we werent friends anymore. Were friends now, and this happened like a year ago. But now she has this friend and theyre how we used to be. I feel like ive been replaced and it hurts. All  of us are friends and were all close, but theyre the ones that always have to sit togehter and  do everything together...just like me and her used to be. How can I be her best friend again??

--Anonymous

A: Ahhh, good ol' young friendship. I wish I could start out by saying something other than that. :P The truth is, Anon, when you're 14 years old, friendships roll like waves. Up and down they go, and the cycle never seems to end. It may leave you WTFing, but there is hope.

You are lucky that you are still in the company of your friend--why not make the most of it? Start out by subtly bringing up good times that you guys have had together. Trust me, it'll get her thinking--especially if you heard she cried because she misses you! If you feel like things are going well, ask your friend if she wants to go do something alone, like shopping or something of that nature. See how she acts and how much she discusses with you. If you feel weird, this is when you have to pay attention to how you feel. Maybe the reason you guys have grown apart is because you simply don't have that much in common anymore. However, hanging out more frequently just might get things back to the way they used to be.

No matter what happens, understand that some friends, unfortunately, will come and go. You probably won't meet most of your "lifelong" friends until you're in college or even working. Be true to yourself and be the best friend you can be to others--people will flock to you. If your old bestie doesn't get how awesome you are, your next best friend is probably right around the corner. :)

Best of luck!

--Dr. O. 

Reader question: I cheated on my boyfriend. Now what?

Q: It was just happen last week when his cousins, aunt, uncle, and I went skiing; but he didn't go because he had to work. We went up to the mountain, but, his cousins, and his aunt had to go back to the town with out go skiing. So another cousin who is a guy and I decided to go back later in order to go skiing and his uncle will take care of us. His cousin and I had a fun time go skiing and it led us to be too close. Actually, his cousin used to like me and he is a player, but I thought that it wouldn't happen to me because he knows that I love his cousin who is my bf. 

I don't know if it is because of it or not, but I didn't talk to my bf as much one day because he had somebody in his apartment and not really have time to talk to me. I felt lonely that night and his cousin slept next to me, then I kissed his cousin. I was kind of enjoy it but it is not as hot as my bf's. His cousin asked me for sex but I said no. I feel really guilty about it, so I told my bf. He gets pissed and mad. It is really hurt him. He is a person who cares about me a lot and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

--Caaake

A: Caaake, I know that this is a tough situation for you, and it's honorable that you told your boyfriend about what happened. In my opinion, you should tell your partner about any cheating that occurs as soon as you possibly can - I know it sounds difficult, but you gotta do it, readers! Anyway, It's a good thing that you didn't have sex with this other guy. However...

You really need to evaluate how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend. Were you really happy with him? What made you want to do something with another guy? Are you ready for a relationship? Think about it.

The simple fact is, you cheated, and you can't take it back. Unfortunately, it's pretty difficult to rebuild trust after something like this happens, and if you stay with your boyfriend you will definitely have to work very hard to rebuild that trust.

Look, people make mistakes, Caaake. It's life. I wish I could tell you things to make you feel better, but I believe that you will need to learn from this mistake. As long as you learn from it, you'll be fine. Time heals all things, including situations like this.

Think about what YOU want, then talk to your boyfriend.


Note to other readers: If you find yourself in the same situation as Caaake, please feel free to send me your original stories. My opinion is going to be a little different depending on each person's circumstances!

Best of luck!

--Dr. O.

Reader question: Has my boyfriend stopped caring?

Q: Hi Haley! I have a boyfriend but how can I tell that he really loves me? He used to do all these sweet things and just recently, it stopped. I may have been too clingy or he may have been so used to his other girlfriends taking care of him, idk...


--Anonymous


A: Unfortunately, Anon, we (as women) have to remember that men are VERY different in how they express emotions. It is a proven fact. One of the things that goes along with this is that men simply are not as romantically affectionate as women are, generally speaking.


Another thing to consider is that after a while, both parties get "comfortable" in a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean a loss of interest, but it does usually indicate a loss of the anxiety associated with losing someone or "keeping them on their toes". The sweet things slow down and the all-day text-a-thons are few and far between. In all honesty, this comfort can be kind of a good thing as long as it doesn't go too far, as it can signify that true love is forming over an infatuation.


Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let's explore the possibility of him actually having lost interest, why, and what you can do about it.


First off, evaluate your own actions and give yourself an honest assessment. Do not overanalyze. If you were truly clingy, you would know and he most likely would have said something. Consider if you have been too nice or too giving to him. I have mentioned in other posts that this behavior is not good. Giving is fine, over-giving is not.


Next, evaluate his actions. Is he blatantly showing a lack of interest, or has he just been busy lately? There's a difference.


If you honestly believe that he's lost interest, it's probably because his own lack of maturity/ability to commit/etc. If he hasn't said anything to you, I am going to assume you're not THAT bad, haha. I am not going to jump to conclusions about his actions, but do you think it's possible that he's cheating or doing something close to it? That's looking in deep and also a WHOLE 'nother can of worms; I digress...


If I were you, I would approach him about it, politely, simply by saying that you feel "distant" from him lately. Say whatever you want to say, really, but make it as non-confrontational as possible. Note your feelings on his reaction to that conversation, as hesitation on his part means something's up. You might wanna keep me updated on this situation...


Best of luck!


--Dr. O.

Reader question: Why did I cheat on my boyfriend in my dream?

Q: Dear Dr. O., I am continuously having dreams about cheating on my boyfriend, and they are all too real. I wake up devastated and upset even though they're fake, but I can't help but feel like something else is going on. Why do I keep dreaming about this, I love my boyfriend and would never do this! Am I a bad girlfriend? Do I want to cheat? Is he cheating? HELPPP!


-Anonymous


A: Hi Anon, it's funny that you ask me this. I am plagued by disturbing dreams often--it comes from having a mind that's a little too analytical. My entrance into the accounting profession has thus far served me well. ;)


Anyways, the first thing you need to do is stop worrying. Dreams are not prophecies, nor are they accurate depictions of who we are as people. As I like to say, dreams are your brain's way of talking to you. Unfortunately, it can be a poor communicator.


The truth is, if you are truly happy and satisfied with your relationship, your dreams are probably a sign of guilt over another issue--probably one that has NOTHING to do with your relationship! For example, if you have lied about something or cheated on a test lately, your subconscious could be a little unsettled and therefore could be taking it out on you using the dreams. Since you mention that you've had a lot of dreams like this lately, it could be one big thing or multiple small things. Whatever the case, think about your life and your actions as of late. If there is a looming problem, fix it. Your dreams will go away if you have less to worry about during your conscious life.


Be positive and ignore your worries about those dreams. That will help shoo them away, too.


Best of luck!


-Dr. O.