Reader question: Do I forgive a guy who's really late on a date?

Q: Hey Haley! Okay- first of all, I really hope you can re-word this, haven't had coffee yet. So my question seems pretty simple compared to the ones I see you usually get, but my boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago and since then I had been hanging with other guys. There's one I've really started liking. I haven't felt like this about a guy since I was 16 (I'm 22 now). Everything has been going great, he's into me too- blah, blah, blah- but yesterday we agreed on a meet up time of 2:45 in a public place, just to meet half way, and I was waiting around for AN HOUR AND A HALF, no phone call, no text, nothing... it's not like I wasn't enjoying my coffee, and shopping- I was- but if I cared about someone at all, I would have sent them a text to let them know I was running late- just out of consideration. I really liked this guy, and the fact that I am still thinking about it is killing me- because it seems so petty. But usually I would never waste my time with someone who would do that. Eventually he did show up- we drove down the street and I had him take me back to my car- he's been apologizing and then asked for me to be his girlfriend... but I can't seem to shake what happened. Am I being ridiculous? -Thanks xx

--Anonymous

A: Anon, I hope you forgive me for the excessive questions I'm about to ask you, but I want to make sure that I tackle this situation appropriately. How long have you known this guy? Is there anything else that he's done that's been a little sketchy? Do you really like this guy, or are you looking for some romantic relief after your last ex? Granted, you can simply answer these questions for yourself and then go from there, because if you answer "not long" to the first and "yes" to the last two, you might wanna think about slowing it down and possibly moving on altogether.

To recap: a guy you started liking basically sent out a huge red flag by being incredibly late to pick you up without so much as a two-word text. That's EXACTLY what that was--a red flag. Has he explained exactly why that happened? It had better be something good.

To answer your main question, NO, you are not being ridiculous. And if your intuition is telling you to be on alert, there's a good chance that this guy is bad news. Slow things down a little and don't accept his proposal just yet. Hang out a little more and see how it goes. Remember, don't settle. Ever. 

Let me know if you need more analysis or help. Best of luck!

--Dr. O.

Reader question: Why do I want a baby so badly?

Q: hi haley. i am 17 years old. i have wanted a baby soo bad for about 2 years and i don't really understand why. it is like an overwhelming feeling that has been occurring ever since i left my boyfriend, who was really horrible to me. ever since then, ironically, is when i've wanted one. i have talked to my parents about this and they are extremely worried but i know that i could take care of a baby because i have a job and have even started to work on a plan that can allow me to go to school(college) and care for a child. i am thinking about adopting because i can't depend on any guy my age haha. anyways i am struggling with this, what do i do? i know this doesn't have to do with relationships but i feel like you could help me with this, thank you. 


--Danielle


A: Danielle, I'm glad you've asked this question, as I feel that this affinity towards motherhood is something that strikes a lot of women at some point in their lives. In addition to that, your question in particular absolutely DOES have something to do with relationships, and I'll tell you why.


As I've stated, women are naturally inflicted by feelings of desire towards being a mother, as that is a byproduct of our instinct/general trait of nurture. However, your feelings are likely amplified because you have been very hurt at a very young age. You are probably left with the feeling that you just want to be loved without getting heartbreak in return. Yes, a baby will do that, but there is so much more to a child than just sharing love...


The key fact that most non-mothers don't realize is that when you have a child, you no longer have "your own life". The focus is now on your child. It becomes about THEIR life, not yours. Everything you have ever wanted to do in life now takes an extra consideration. Travel will become nearly impossible for a while, both financially and time-wise. Your social life will seem nonexistent at times. And school...trust me, is not too doable. What sort of plan do you have regarding school? Are you going to school online? No matter what it is, you're still going to have to enlist the help of a babysitter if you want to focus and do well. Forget about going to a university, unless you REALLY have some help behind you.


Finally, with adoption. I was adopted, and my parents were married, in their 30s, and with a combined income of over $80,000 (if not more? IDK, it was the 80s :P). Guess how long it took for them to find my birth-mom? TWO years. Sweetheart, the adoption process is nooo walk in the park. The odds of a single, 17-year-old girl with an entry-level salary finding a match is too minuscule to even comprehend. 


I could go on and on, but I'm not a mom--I just KNOW a lot of moms. Talk to any YOUNG mom in particular, and they will have countless stories for you. Yes, children are beautiful, children are blessings, and children are one of the greatest things in life. But unfortunately, you just aren't ready to experience that if you think it will be easy. Really think about your goals and dreams and really think about how much your ex's cruelty impacted you. I think it's best if you move on from those experiences, take the knowledge of them with you, and enjoy your life for now, Danielle.


I wish you the best of happiness and please feel free to e-mail me more anytime.


Best of luck,


--Dr. O.

Reader question: Why do my exes always end up back in my life?

Q: Haley:) I've got a question about my "ex" boyfriends No matter how long we dated, how things ended etc. They ALL have come back into my life at one point. Some months/ years later. Why is this? Does this happen to most people? Thoughts? Thank you


--Anonymous


A: Ahhh, nothing like rehashing old experiences. Am I right, Anon? ;)


Of course, the sarcasm (or surprising lack thereof) of my statement is largely contingent upon whether or not you are happy about them coming back into your life. I will say that your experience is pretty rare, although most people do have SOME exes return in some way, if only for a little while. As far as WHY they come back, here is what you should consider: your personality, your exes' personalities, and the details of your experiences with your exes. 


Now, naturally, my first instinct is to tell you that they all come crawling back because you're fabulous. I'm sure you are, but let's dig deeper. Think about your own personality. Are you extremely giving (and FORgiving) or are you the badass who's aloofness keeps the guys guessing? At either of these points, you are the kind of girl that guys will eventually want to go back to after they are sick of dealing with girls who are either extremely clingy or outright boring. Those latter two types don't keep men on their toes, they drive them away. A "giver" doesn't at first, but after a while a man will start to miss a girl who was just that awesome to them. A "drifter" (the person I described earlier who was aloof, mysterious etc.) WILL keep a guy on his toes, especially if he likes the chase, so even after a break up there is a good chance of him coming back.
 (Note: I understand that we can't be shoved into one of these definitive groups, and that many other groupings exist, but I can't lie...one CAN categorize most high school- and college-aged girls in this manner with fair certainty.)


No matter who you are, though, the other key thing you have to consider is the personality of each of your exes. Everyone is different, so think about each one individually as well as collectively. If you find that the guys in your past are generally passionate, sensitive, and/or dependent people, then of course they are more likely to feel sentimental and return. 


Finally, consider the experiences with each ex. Did you help "X" through a particularly hard time in his life while you were dating? Were you and "Y" really good friends before your little tryst? Were you with "Z" for many years before you finally dismantled? Even little experiences can be powerful enough to form a sort of lasting bond between two people. Other things to consider are location and easiness of communication. It is much easier to come back into someone's life if you see them a lot or can easily talk to them. It also takes two to tango, so there is a good chance that, at least with some of them, the re-entering of them into your life has been a product of both you and your ex finding each other...


I'm not a big believer in fate, so that novel above is essentially what I've got for ya. However, if you believe in the "everything happens for a reason" adage, you may consider the fact that each of these guys is somehow instrumental in your life and will help shape your future...
Even for me, that's something to think about. :O


Best of luck!,


--Dr. O.

Reader question: How do I handle a long-distance crush?

Q: Dear Hayley,


I'm crisising right now!! Over the summer I counsel at a camp and this past summer I met a boy. Actually, he went to my high school but we actually started talking a lot at this camp and then started really talking on facebook just a few weeks ago. We talk every single day on FB chat and at night we will spend hours on the phone....sometimes till 5 in the morning! We have never kissed or done anything but recently he told me he had a dream that we were dating!!! I had wanted to get in touch with him for a long time but he had a girlfriend up until a month ago. He is now single, but the problem still remains that he lives in upstate NY with his dad now and I live in PA..not good. We have a good 4 hours of driving in between us and I don't even have my own car, plus he works a lot during the school year. However we are both graduating highschool this year and both looking to go to schools that are close to each other (not on purpose lol) so Iam trying to hold out hope for the future. But is there any? How do I maintain this until June when we meet again and how do I keep him interested until something more can grow during college? Thanks.


--Chanel


A: Chanel, let me first thank you graciously for ending the dry spell my blog has had for nearly two weeks. Now, for your question. :)


The truth is, darling, I could send you away at least somewhat happier with just one line that I firmly believe in: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. It doesn't matter if it takes weeks, months, or even several years. If two people are meant to be together, then it will eventually happen. However, I will delve deeper into the situation for you.


You say that you didn't really start seriously talking with him until about a month ago. Yes, it's great to have a new crush, but don't get too ahead of yourself! You never really know someone as well online as you would in person. Although you've spent plenty of time IRL with him as a friend, you have not yet been around him in a romantic setting. 
For the next few months, do keep in touch with him, do get to know him, and do take things slow. His interest can't falter if you leave a little mystery and if you act like you have quite the life. If there is any way that you two could meet halfway before your summer camp, do it. Maybe take a day trip? No overnight stuff yet, or you're headed for Complicated City. 
I will warn you not to count on him going to a college close to yours, although you know better than I do what he'll really do. Also, don't choose a college for him. You are extremely young. I say that with reverence; you're lucky. Do not get insanely worked up if it doesn't work out with this guy and DEFINITELY do not make your decisions based upon him.
Always remember: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. In addition to that: always be yourself. It all sounds very contrite and probably a little old persony, but it's true. That's why all the old people say it!


Best of luck,


Dr. O.

Hello again & Welcome Back...wait, is that redundant?

Hi everyone!

I'm so sorry that I haven't had new material up in a while. "Business" has been slow and since I was on spring break all last week, I took most of my attention away from school and blogging. However, I'm obviously back. That's pretty much all I got for ya.

I eagerly await more questions, comments, and thoughts, but in the mean time I do happen to have a little more info about me, the blogger, in case you were so curious. Yeah, yeah...it's a little conceited. But if you love to creep, I am doing you a service. Enjoy.

1. Your hair? It's long, pretty, and quite possibly the most boring dark brown color ever. I am itching to change it but waiting until it's extra long.
2. Your favorite food? I'm old fashioned--tofu and quinoa. No big deal.
3. Your favorite drink? WATER. It's quite possibly the most delicious chemical compound ever.
4. Your dream/goal? I have far too many. It's safe to say, though, that I'd love a kick-ass job one day. Oh, and I wanna make it my whole life without getting divorced...is that lofty, or just cynical?
5. Your hobby? Oh god, what DON'T I do? Um, photography, blogging, modeling, playing video games with a little too much gusto, and learning. Yes, learning...wanna fight about it?
6. Your fear? Knott's Scary Farm. Don't even joke about taking me to that shit. 
7. Where were you last night? At my boyfriend's house, wondering how the hell I got to meet someone so much like myself.
8. Something you say all the time? As a California native, I am utterly cursed with the "like" reflex. Please slap me every time you hear me say it, as it's getting extremely out of hand.
9. Something that you’re not? Apathetic. Seriously, I have an opinion on everything. I think every minute of every day. I care about everyone. It's annoying.
10. Wishlist item? Breast implants. But seriously, in a perfect world I'd make going to Japan on my wishlist and I'd volunteer there for a month. But since that can't happen right now, yeah...I'll start with the boobies.
11. Last thing you did? I tried to taste my tea to see if it was ready. Yeah, not quite.
12. What are you wearing? An inside out knit tee (surprise, surprise) and some Victoria's Secret pajama pants that are about 3 sizes too big. Lookin' sharp.
13. Your pets? You mean kids? I have a 6-inch, furry 3-year-old with 8 legs named Sophia. 
14. Friends? Mine? Or yours? Well, they're awesome, end-o story. 
15. Missing someone? I'm always yearning for the man, but I also obviously miss my friends and family. Hell, I miss everyone. All the time. 
16. Something you’re not wearing? A cravat, although I'd look rather dashing in one. 
17. Your favorite store? You're going to hate me for this answer, but please excuse this poor hipster when she mentions Forever 21 as a reasonable shopping destination. It's just too damn good. So is Karmaloop.
18. Your favorite color? I'm a sucker for grey, creme, and royal blue. Sea green is nice as well.
19. The last time you cried? I don't know, I cry all the time. 
20. When's the last time you laughed? I don't know, I laugh all the time.
21. One place that I go to over and over? The BAC building at ASU. I don't think a day has gone by this year that I haven't been there for some reason.
22. Where do you eat? Anywhere they cater to my jacked-up tastebuds...as long as they don't specialize in spicy food.

Reader question: How can I stop attracting douchebags?

Q: Dear Dr. O , 


So I am single and happily single at that. Although sometimes I do feel really lonely. don't get me wrong I love guys, but it is soooo fucking annoying for every guy I meet for the first time that we hang out to expect me to put out!!! Because half of the time I don't want to, or want to wait a while. I never know how to tell guys this in a nice way. Or how to stop attracting those types of guys/men even though i'm single and sometimes down. It really hurts my feelings when guys try to pressure me into doing things, it is by far the most annoying thing in the world. and then I get really uncomfortable whatever we are doing and totally shut down. Yet i'm not sure if they see it, or know why? Can you please give me advice. 


--Anonymous


A: Awwww, Anon! Don't get so down. You sing the sorrows of many-a college girl and truth be told, your problems are easily solved.


The first step you need to take is a self-evaluation. Yes, I love telling people to do this--it works! Ask yourself how you present yourself in front of guys. Do you dress suggestively? Do you flirt a lot? Do you initiate lesser forms of "putting out", such as kissing? I know it sounds bad, but if you answer "yes" to these questions, a dumb, young/college-aged boy is generally going to think there's more in store for him--i.e., sex. Most guys these age, sadly, are not only trying to avoid girlfriends, but are TRYING to hook up with whomever they want.


Now, you have said that you like being single, but don't like being surrounded by guys who just wanna have sex. Unfortunately, it's pretty tough to find guys who won't expect it sometime, girly, especially if you are sexy, flirty, and seem "down"! The truth is, there ARE a handful of decent guys who are cool with the friends with benefits (FWB) model and cool with waiting before things happen. Like I said, though...it ain't easy!


The next step is to figure out what you really want. If you want to be single and continue hooking up with you want, understand that 90% of these guys are going to only want sex. If you want to casually date/hook up guys and just take things a little slower, do just that--take it slower! Even if you're not intending to seriously date the person, try not kissing on the first "date" or make your first hang-out in a public place (after all, it reduces the chances that he'll ask for sex right there, lol). It might be hard, but changing your habits a little will potentially expose you to better guys.


Best of luck!


Dr. O.

Reader question: Is "serial dating" a good idea?

Q: Haley, I tend to go from relationship to relationship. Sometimes with gaps of being single. I'm curious how to date more than one guy at a time. Intimacy? Do they need to know about eachother? Should I just pick one? Can I find a good balance? Thank you!


--Anonymous


A: Anon, the concept of dating multiple people is like being on a battlefield: its treacherous territory, it certainly isn't for everyone, and you have to have your head on a swivel, because anything can happen at any time. However, I am going to assume that you are willing to take on the somewhat daring role of a serial dater and I will answer all of your smaller questions in succession:


Just how DO you date one more guy at a time? The idea is fairly simple: hang out with the guys you're interested in at different times and consciously avoid having the other guys see or hear about you two. Coordinating this simply depends on your schedule, their schedules, and the knowledge of their respective locations. I'm just saying, the idea behind dating multiple people is that you don't let the others actively SEE you. When in a non-serious dating scene, people should assume that their prospective interests are keeping their options open--but it'd still be awkward to see the girl you like on a date with another guy regardless.


Intimacy (--how does that all work)? This obviously depends on your personal preference, but IN GENERAL (as in, this doesn't apply to EVERY girl) I feel like things are less complicated if you keep sexual activity out of it until you feel like dating, more or less, one guy. I'm not a prude or anything, it's just what I've found makes things a little easier. I think kissing and a little light fooling around is okay, but the minute more stuff happens with multiple guys is the minute that things get wayyy more complicated. As girls, we get oddly attached to guys that we are sexual with and that's a fact. Now, imagine being "attached" to 3 guys at once...yikes!


Do they need to know about each other? The short answer is no, but it's not really fair to get "serious" with more than one guy. If you're letting 5 guys introduce you to mom and dad or get you lavish birthday gifts...it's eventually gonna get ugly.


Should I just pick one? Only pick "one" when you KNOW he's worth it!


and finally, Can I find a good balance? Well, between what and what? Unfortunately, I'm not of the opinion that you can "have your cake and eat it too". It just ends up in disaster and ends up hurting people, including potentially you. The truth is, serial dating is fine to a point. But soon enough, someone's gonna want you to commit--unless the other guys you're dating just wanna date around, too.


Best of luck, and I hope I helped!


--Dr. O.