It's happened - we've officially moved! Head on over to GoAskHaley.com! Thanks everyone!
- Dr. O.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Big Move
It was only a matter of time before it happened. Within the next couple of weeks, GAH! will be moving to WordPress.
I eagerly await the opening of my new website, but I must warn you that it won't be an overnight process. I plan to make the new website infinitely better than this one! Please be patient; it will pay off...
Get ready for big changes.
-Dr. O.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Reader question: Is taking a guy's virginity a big deal?
Q: I was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my situation. I've been dating a guy for about 4 months. He's perfect in every way. He's a fourth year medical student and very good to me. With him being so busy we still go on a couple dates a week. And spend the night about 3-4 a week.. We have amazing passion and connection. He's a virgin. He's been waiting for so long bc of religious reasons, we both grew up Mormon, so I can relate to waiting for marriage but I've been having sex for several years. We both don't go to church or believe much of it anymore. This past weekend we went away for a trip and then of course had sex. (he packed the condoms) What are your thoughts on taking a guys virginity? I feel its a big deal for us? Thoughts? Thank you!
--Anonymous
A: First of all, you spent the night 3 to 4 nights a week for a while and STILL managed to not cave into sex? Good for you! ;-) So now you've had sex--but, oh? What's this? He was a virgin before? I know what you must be feeling, but is it really a "big deal?"
Yes and no. It's exciting, but, alas, not the end of the world. Girls have so many reservations about taking a guy's virginity, when in reality, nobody should feel guilty as long as they didn't pressure or force someone into sleeping with them. As responsible twentysomethings who had sex within the bounds of a (hopefully) loving and committed relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you did. You used protection, you both wanted it, and hell, you waited, which is more than most people can say. Of course, the only caveat I have is this:
While this ain't YOUR first rodeo, your boyfriend is probably going to experience a unique sense of attachment considering that you were his first. Of course, every guy is different, but older guys who wait are generally more sensitive than the guys who are taking girls into the empty gym during lunch in 8th grade. This bond that forms between the mature, virgin guy and his counterpart, whether virgin or not, is strong. Even if you break up, he will never forget you, and it will likely be much harder for him to let you go because he was a virgin. This attachment could manifest itself in many ways during the relationship itself or may be hardly noticeable. And like I said, it's not necessarily a bad thing, just be prepared.
However, maybe you're not so worried about his potential attachment as you are about the religion thing. I don't know, though, because it more or less seems as if you've detached yourself from the church. Look, as an agnostic, I can't offer much in the way of religious guidance. In MY personal, secular belief, what you two did couldn't be wrong in the slightest. But if either of you are feeling guilty in any way, then it should be brought up and talked through.
Overall: try and continue the relationship with an open mind and enjoy having sex with someone you love. There's nothing wrong with it. The real questions should be rolling in if shit gets weird. DO let me know if that happens, please!
Best,
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: First of all, you spent the night 3 to 4 nights a week for a while and STILL managed to not cave into sex? Good for you! ;-) So now you've had sex--but, oh? What's this? He was a virgin before? I know what you must be feeling, but is it really a "big deal?"
Yes and no. It's exciting, but, alas, not the end of the world. Girls have so many reservations about taking a guy's virginity, when in reality, nobody should feel guilty as long as they didn't pressure or force someone into sleeping with them. As responsible twentysomethings who had sex within the bounds of a (hopefully) loving and committed relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you did. You used protection, you both wanted it, and hell, you waited, which is more than most people can say. Of course, the only caveat I have is this:
While this ain't YOUR first rodeo, your boyfriend is probably going to experience a unique sense of attachment considering that you were his first. Of course, every guy is different, but older guys who wait are generally more sensitive than the guys who are taking girls into the empty gym during lunch in 8th grade. This bond that forms between the mature, virgin guy and his counterpart, whether virgin or not, is strong. Even if you break up, he will never forget you, and it will likely be much harder for him to let you go because he was a virgin. This attachment could manifest itself in many ways during the relationship itself or may be hardly noticeable. And like I said, it's not necessarily a bad thing, just be prepared.
However, maybe you're not so worried about his potential attachment as you are about the religion thing. I don't know, though, because it more or less seems as if you've detached yourself from the church. Look, as an agnostic, I can't offer much in the way of religious guidance. In MY personal, secular belief, what you two did couldn't be wrong in the slightest. But if either of you are feeling guilty in any way, then it should be brought up and talked through.
Overall: try and continue the relationship with an open mind and enjoy having sex with someone you love. There's nothing wrong with it. The real questions should be rolling in if shit gets weird. DO let me know if that happens, please!
Best,
--Dr. O.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Blog reengineering/reaching out
My readers, it has been WAY too long since I've properly updated Go Ask Haley. In my defense, I have been absolutely SWAMPED with school and traveling, but I must admit that I could have been done a lot more marketing than I have been in order to keep the site alive. However, I still persist. It is extremely important that I am here for longevity's sake and, more importantly, here for the readers.
I'd like to reach out and ask the readership HONESTLY if there is anything I can do to make the site: nicer, more readable, more interesting, prettier, more captivating, easier to navigate, diverse, etc. etc. Tell me anything and everything. I beg of you, lay it on me! I have more than enough time to answer all your questions and concerns, including those that have less to do with that guy who won't stop bothering you at work and more about being bored and reading GAH at work. At the end of the day, it's all about you.
Remember, I'm here to give you the best possible perspective on your problems. If there's anything I can do to be better, shoot me an e-mail or a formspring for the bashful. I hope to hear from everyone soon!
Keep loving that summer,
--Dr. O.
I'd like to reach out and ask the readership HONESTLY if there is anything I can do to make the site: nicer, more readable, more interesting, prettier, more captivating, easier to navigate, diverse, etc. etc. Tell me anything and everything. I beg of you, lay it on me! I have more than enough time to answer all your questions and concerns, including those that have less to do with that guy who won't stop bothering you at work and more about being bored and reading GAH at work. At the end of the day, it's all about you.
Remember, I'm here to give you the best possible perspective on your problems. If there's anything I can do to be better, shoot me an e-mail or a formspring for the bashful. I hope to hear from everyone soon!
Keep loving that summer,
--Dr. O.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Reader question: How I get over a guy who's a "player"?
Q: How do I get over a guy who constantly reels me back in and his friends say hes a player? It seems impossible because he's so charming and we have so many similar interests that I don't think twice about other guys. HELP DR. OH!
--Anonymous
A: Ohhh, Anon, when will we learn? When will the day come that us females finally start paying attention to the nice guys and stop swooning over the butt-heads that don't give a crap? It's understandable that people love the mystery of a charismatic badass, but only to a certain extent. A guy doesn't need to be a manipulative player to be mysterious and cool.
The truth is, it's not as impossible as you think to rid yourself of this type of "charming fellow", especially if you start by, well, "fighting fire with fire".
That's right--ignore him. Resist his charm. Start pursuing other guys. See how he likes it. Now, I'm not suggesting that you be rude or that you rub your other male conquests in his face, but make it *subtly clear* that you aren't interested. Surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in your personal hobbies and interests. I hate to say it, girly, but guys like this will leave you hanging for the rest of your life if you don't start by putting them out of sight and mind.
After a period of feigning disinterest, you will really start to feel disinterested. I promise! However, you really have to focus on surrounding yourself with other people and things. He may feel like the only guy in the world right now, but he's not. There are plenty of awesome, hot guys with interests that match yours. Recognize that part of his appeal is only coming from this "badass" facade he carries and move on. Oh, and if he tries to get you back, don't fall for that! It's never gonna change--you deserve so much better than that!
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: Ohhh, Anon, when will we learn? When will the day come that us females finally start paying attention to the nice guys and stop swooning over the butt-heads that don't give a crap? It's understandable that people love the mystery of a charismatic badass, but only to a certain extent. A guy doesn't need to be a manipulative player to be mysterious and cool.
The truth is, it's not as impossible as you think to rid yourself of this type of "charming fellow", especially if you start by, well, "fighting fire with fire".
That's right--ignore him. Resist his charm. Start pursuing other guys. See how he likes it. Now, I'm not suggesting that you be rude or that you rub your other male conquests in his face, but make it *subtly clear* that you aren't interested. Surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in your personal hobbies and interests. I hate to say it, girly, but guys like this will leave you hanging for the rest of your life if you don't start by putting them out of sight and mind.
After a period of feigning disinterest, you will really start to feel disinterested. I promise! However, you really have to focus on surrounding yourself with other people and things. He may feel like the only guy in the world right now, but he's not. There are plenty of awesome, hot guys with interests that match yours. Recognize that part of his appeal is only coming from this "badass" facade he carries and move on. Oh, and if he tries to get you back, don't fall for that! It's never gonna change--you deserve so much better than that!
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Reader question: How can I get my best friend back?
Q: Dear Haley,
I used to BEST FRIENDS with this girl. She went to my school, but she was 1 grade ahead of me. We were the kind of friends that told eachother absolutely everything. We could talk about any thing, and say anything without getting mad at eachother. We would do everyhing together. But then somehting happened and im not sure what it was. She just stopped talking to me, and I guess I did too. Her friend told me once that she started crying at school because we werent friends anymore. Were friends now, and this happened like a year ago. But now she has this friend and theyre how we used to be. I feel like ive been replaced and it hurts. All of us are friends and were all close, but theyre the ones that always have to sit togehter and do everything together...just like me and her used to be. How can I be her best friend again??
--Anonymous
A: Ahhh, good ol' young friendship. I wish I could start out by saying something other than that. :P The truth is, Anon, when you're 14 years old, friendships roll like waves. Up and down they go, and the cycle never seems to end. It may leave you WTFing, but there is hope.
You are lucky that you are still in the company of your friend--why not make the most of it? Start out by subtly bringing up good times that you guys have had together. Trust me, it'll get her thinking--especially if you heard she cried because she misses you! If you feel like things are going well, ask your friend if she wants to go do something alone, like shopping or something of that nature. See how she acts and how much she discusses with you. If you feel weird, this is when you have to pay attention to how you feel. Maybe the reason you guys have grown apart is because you simply don't have that much in common anymore. However, hanging out more frequently just might get things back to the way they used to be.
No matter what happens, understand that some friends, unfortunately, will come and go. You probably won't meet most of your "lifelong" friends until you're in college or even working. Be true to yourself and be the best friend you can be to others--people will flock to you. If your old bestie doesn't get how awesome you are, your next best friend is probably right around the corner. :)
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Reader question: I cheated on my boyfriend. Now what?
Q: It was just happen last week when his cousins, aunt, uncle, and I went skiing; but he didn't go because he had to work. We went up to the mountain, but, his cousins, and his aunt had to go back to the town with out go skiing. So another cousin who is a guy and I decided to go back later in order to go skiing and his uncle will take care of us. His cousin and I had a fun time go skiing and it led us to be too close. Actually, his cousin used to like me and he is a player, but I thought that it wouldn't happen to me because he knows that I love his cousin who is my bf.
I don't know if it is because of it or not, but I didn't talk to my bf as much one day because he had somebody in his apartment and not really have time to talk to me. I felt lonely that night and his cousin slept next to me, then I kissed his cousin. I was kind of enjoy it but it is not as hot as my bf's. His cousin asked me for sex but I said no. I feel really guilty about it, so I told my bf. He gets pissed and mad. It is really hurt him. He is a person who cares about me a lot and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?
I don't know if it is because of it or not, but I didn't talk to my bf as much one day because he had somebody in his apartment and not really have time to talk to me. I felt lonely that night and his cousin slept next to me, then I kissed his cousin. I was kind of enjoy it but it is not as hot as my bf's. His cousin asked me for sex but I said no. I feel really guilty about it, so I told my bf. He gets pissed and mad. It is really hurt him. He is a person who cares about me a lot and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?
--Caaake
A: Caaake, I know that this is a tough situation for you, and it's honorable that you told your boyfriend about what happened. In my opinion, you should tell your partner about any cheating that occurs as soon as you possibly can - I know it sounds difficult, but you gotta do it, readers! Anyway, It's a good thing that you didn't have sex with this other guy. However...
You really need to evaluate how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend. Were you really happy with him? What made you want to do something with another guy? Are you ready for a relationship? Think about it.
The simple fact is, you cheated, and you can't take it back. Unfortunately, it's pretty difficult to rebuild trust after something like this happens, and if you stay with your boyfriend you will definitely have to work very hard to rebuild that trust.
Look, people make mistakes, Caaake. It's life. I wish I could tell you things to make you feel better, but I believe that you will need to learn from this mistake. As long as you learn from it, you'll be fine. Time heals all things, including situations like this.
Think about what YOU want, then talk to your boyfriend.
Note to other readers: If you find yourself in the same situation as Caaake, please feel free to send me your original stories. My opinion is going to be a little different depending on each person's circumstances!
Note to other readers: If you find yourself in the same situation as Caaake, please feel free to send me your original stories. My opinion is going to be a little different depending on each person's circumstances!
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Reader question: Has my boyfriend stopped caring?
Q: Hi Haley! I have a boyfriend but how can I tell that he really loves me? He used to do all these sweet things and just recently, it stopped. I may have been too clingy or he may have been so used to his other girlfriends taking care of him, idk...
--Anonymous
A: Unfortunately, Anon, we (as women) have to remember that men are VERY different in how they express emotions. It is a proven fact. One of the things that goes along with this is that men simply are not as romantically affectionate as women are, generally speaking.
Another thing to consider is that after a while, both parties get "comfortable" in a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean a loss of interest, but it does usually indicate a loss of the anxiety associated with losing someone or "keeping them on their toes". The sweet things slow down and the all-day text-a-thons are few and far between. In all honesty, this comfort can be kind of a good thing as long as it doesn't go too far, as it can signify that true love is forming over an infatuation.
Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let's explore the possibility of him actually having lost interest, why, and what you can do about it.
First off, evaluate your own actions and give yourself an honest assessment. Do not overanalyze. If you were truly clingy, you would know and he most likely would have said something. Consider if you have been too nice or too giving to him. I have mentioned in other posts that this behavior is not good. Giving is fine, over-giving is not.
Next, evaluate his actions. Is he blatantly showing a lack of interest, or has he just been busy lately? There's a difference.
If you honestly believe that he's lost interest, it's probably because his own lack of maturity/ability to commit/etc. If he hasn't said anything to you, I am going to assume you're not THAT bad, haha. I am not going to jump to conclusions about his actions, but do you think it's possible that he's cheating or doing something close to it? That's looking in deep and also a WHOLE 'nother can of worms; I digress...
If I were you, I would approach him about it, politely, simply by saying that you feel "distant" from him lately. Say whatever you want to say, really, but make it as non-confrontational as possible. Note your feelings on his reaction to that conversation, as hesitation on his part means something's up. You might wanna keep me updated on this situation...
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: Unfortunately, Anon, we (as women) have to remember that men are VERY different in how they express emotions. It is a proven fact. One of the things that goes along with this is that men simply are not as romantically affectionate as women are, generally speaking.
Another thing to consider is that after a while, both parties get "comfortable" in a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean a loss of interest, but it does usually indicate a loss of the anxiety associated with losing someone or "keeping them on their toes". The sweet things slow down and the all-day text-a-thons are few and far between. In all honesty, this comfort can be kind of a good thing as long as it doesn't go too far, as it can signify that true love is forming over an infatuation.
Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let's explore the possibility of him actually having lost interest, why, and what you can do about it.
First off, evaluate your own actions and give yourself an honest assessment. Do not overanalyze. If you were truly clingy, you would know and he most likely would have said something. Consider if you have been too nice or too giving to him. I have mentioned in other posts that this behavior is not good. Giving is fine, over-giving is not.
Next, evaluate his actions. Is he blatantly showing a lack of interest, or has he just been busy lately? There's a difference.
If you honestly believe that he's lost interest, it's probably because his own lack of maturity/ability to commit/etc. If he hasn't said anything to you, I am going to assume you're not THAT bad, haha. I am not going to jump to conclusions about his actions, but do you think it's possible that he's cheating or doing something close to it? That's looking in deep and also a WHOLE 'nother can of worms; I digress...
If I were you, I would approach him about it, politely, simply by saying that you feel "distant" from him lately. Say whatever you want to say, really, but make it as non-confrontational as possible. Note your feelings on his reaction to that conversation, as hesitation on his part means something's up. You might wanna keep me updated on this situation...
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Reader question: Why did I cheat on my boyfriend in my dream?
Q: Dear Dr. O., I am continuously having dreams about cheating on my boyfriend, and they are all too real. I wake up devastated and upset even though they're fake, but I can't help but feel like something else is going on. Why do I keep dreaming about this, I love my boyfriend and would never do this! Am I a bad girlfriend? Do I want to cheat? Is he cheating? HELPPP!
-Anonymous
A: Hi Anon, it's funny that you ask me this. I am plagued by disturbing dreams often--it comes from having a mind that's a little too analytical. My entrance into the accounting profession has thus far served me well. ;)
Anyways, the first thing you need to do is stop worrying. Dreams are not prophecies, nor are they accurate depictions of who we are as people. As I like to say, dreams are your brain's way of talking to you. Unfortunately, it can be a poor communicator.
The truth is, if you are truly happy and satisfied with your relationship, your dreams are probably a sign of guilt over another issue--probably one that has NOTHING to do with your relationship! For example, if you have lied about something or cheated on a test lately, your subconscious could be a little unsettled and therefore could be taking it out on you using the dreams. Since you mention that you've had a lot of dreams like this lately, it could be one big thing or multiple small things. Whatever the case, think about your life and your actions as of late. If there is a looming problem, fix it. Your dreams will go away if you have less to worry about during your conscious life.
Be positive and ignore your worries about those dreams. That will help shoo them away, too.
Best of luck!
-Dr. O.
-Anonymous
A: Hi Anon, it's funny that you ask me this. I am plagued by disturbing dreams often--it comes from having a mind that's a little too analytical. My entrance into the accounting profession has thus far served me well. ;)
Anyways, the first thing you need to do is stop worrying. Dreams are not prophecies, nor are they accurate depictions of who we are as people. As I like to say, dreams are your brain's way of talking to you. Unfortunately, it can be a poor communicator.
The truth is, if you are truly happy and satisfied with your relationship, your dreams are probably a sign of guilt over another issue--probably one that has NOTHING to do with your relationship! For example, if you have lied about something or cheated on a test lately, your subconscious could be a little unsettled and therefore could be taking it out on you using the dreams. Since you mention that you've had a lot of dreams like this lately, it could be one big thing or multiple small things. Whatever the case, think about your life and your actions as of late. If there is a looming problem, fix it. Your dreams will go away if you have less to worry about during your conscious life.
Be positive and ignore your worries about those dreams. That will help shoo them away, too.
Best of luck!
-Dr. O.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Reader question: Do I forgive a guy who's really late on a date?
Q: Hey Haley! Okay- first of all, I really hope you can re-word this, haven't had coffee yet. So my question seems pretty simple compared to the ones I see you usually get, but my boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago and since then I had been hanging with other guys. There's one I've really started liking. I haven't felt like this about a guy since I was 16 (I'm 22 now). Everything has been going great, he's into me too- blah, blah, blah- but yesterday we agreed on a meet up time of 2:45 in a public place, just to meet half way, and I was waiting around for AN HOUR AND A HALF, no phone call, no text, nothing... it's not like I wasn't enjoying my coffee, and shopping- I was- but if I cared about someone at all, I would have sent them a text to let them know I was running late- just out of consideration. I really liked this guy, and the fact that I am still thinking about it is killing me- because it seems so petty. But usually I would never waste my time with someone who would do that. Eventually he did show up- we drove down the street and I had him take me back to my car- he's been apologizing and then asked for me to be his girlfriend... but I can't seem to shake what happened. Am I being ridiculous? -Thanks xx
--Anonymous
A: Anon, I hope you forgive me for the excessive questions I'm about to ask you, but I want to make sure that I tackle this situation appropriately. How long have you known this guy? Is there anything else that he's done that's been a little sketchy? Do you really like this guy, or are you looking for some romantic relief after your last ex? Granted, you can simply answer these questions for yourself and then go from there, because if you answer "not long" to the first and "yes" to the last two, you might wanna think about slowing it down and possibly moving on altogether.
To recap: a guy you started liking basically sent out a huge red flag by being incredibly late to pick you up without so much as a two-word text. That's EXACTLY what that was--a red flag. Has he explained exactly why that happened? It had better be something good.
To answer your main question, NO, you are not being ridiculous. And if your intuition is telling you to be on alert, there's a good chance that this guy is bad news. Slow things down a little and don't accept his proposal just yet. Hang out a little more and see how it goes. Remember, don't settle. Ever.
Let me know if you need more analysis or help. Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Reader question: Why do I want a baby so badly?
Q: hi haley. i am 17 years old. i have wanted a baby soo bad for about 2 years and i don't really understand why. it is like an overwhelming feeling that has been occurring ever since i left my boyfriend, who was really horrible to me. ever since then, ironically, is when i've wanted one. i have talked to my parents about this and they are extremely worried but i know that i could take care of a baby because i have a job and have even started to work on a plan that can allow me to go to school(college) and care for a child. i am thinking about adopting because i can't depend on any guy my age haha. anyways i am struggling with this, what do i do? i know this doesn't have to do with relationships but i feel like you could help me with this, thank you.
--Danielle
A: Danielle, I'm glad you've asked this question, as I feel that this affinity towards motherhood is something that strikes a lot of women at some point in their lives. In addition to that, your question in particular absolutely DOES have something to do with relationships, and I'll tell you why.
As I've stated, women are naturally inflicted by feelings of desire towards being a mother, as that is a byproduct of our instinct/general trait of nurture. However, your feelings are likely amplified because you have been very hurt at a very young age. You are probably left with the feeling that you just want to be loved without getting heartbreak in return. Yes, a baby will do that, but there is so much more to a child than just sharing love...
The key fact that most non-mothers don't realize is that when you have a child, you no longer have "your own life". The focus is now on your child. It becomes about THEIR life, not yours. Everything you have ever wanted to do in life now takes an extra consideration. Travel will become nearly impossible for a while, both financially and time-wise. Your social life will seem nonexistent at times. And school...trust me, is not too doable. What sort of plan do you have regarding school? Are you going to school online? No matter what it is, you're still going to have to enlist the help of a babysitter if you want to focus and do well. Forget about going to a university, unless you REALLY have some help behind you.
Finally, with adoption. I was adopted, and my parents were married, in their 30s, and with a combined income of over $80,000 (if not more? IDK, it was the 80s :P). Guess how long it took for them to find my birth-mom? TWO years. Sweetheart, the adoption process is nooo walk in the park. The odds of a single, 17-year-old girl with an entry-level salary finding a match is too minuscule to even comprehend.
I could go on and on, but I'm not a mom--I just KNOW a lot of moms. Talk to any YOUNG mom in particular, and they will have countless stories for you. Yes, children are beautiful, children are blessings, and children are one of the greatest things in life. But unfortunately, you just aren't ready to experience that if you think it will be easy. Really think about your goals and dreams and really think about how much your ex's cruelty impacted you. I think it's best if you move on from those experiences, take the knowledge of them with you, and enjoy your life for now, Danielle.
I wish you the best of happiness and please feel free to e-mail me more anytime.
Best of luck,
--Dr. O.
--Danielle
A: Danielle, I'm glad you've asked this question, as I feel that this affinity towards motherhood is something that strikes a lot of women at some point in their lives. In addition to that, your question in particular absolutely DOES have something to do with relationships, and I'll tell you why.
As I've stated, women are naturally inflicted by feelings of desire towards being a mother, as that is a byproduct of our instinct/general trait of nurture. However, your feelings are likely amplified because you have been very hurt at a very young age. You are probably left with the feeling that you just want to be loved without getting heartbreak in return. Yes, a baby will do that, but there is so much more to a child than just sharing love...
The key fact that most non-mothers don't realize is that when you have a child, you no longer have "your own life". The focus is now on your child. It becomes about THEIR life, not yours. Everything you have ever wanted to do in life now takes an extra consideration. Travel will become nearly impossible for a while, both financially and time-wise. Your social life will seem nonexistent at times. And school...trust me, is not too doable. What sort of plan do you have regarding school? Are you going to school online? No matter what it is, you're still going to have to enlist the help of a babysitter if you want to focus and do well. Forget about going to a university, unless you REALLY have some help behind you.
Finally, with adoption. I was adopted, and my parents were married, in their 30s, and with a combined income of over $80,000 (if not more? IDK, it was the 80s :P). Guess how long it took for them to find my birth-mom? TWO years. Sweetheart, the adoption process is nooo walk in the park. The odds of a single, 17-year-old girl with an entry-level salary finding a match is too minuscule to even comprehend.
I could go on and on, but I'm not a mom--I just KNOW a lot of moms. Talk to any YOUNG mom in particular, and they will have countless stories for you. Yes, children are beautiful, children are blessings, and children are one of the greatest things in life. But unfortunately, you just aren't ready to experience that if you think it will be easy. Really think about your goals and dreams and really think about how much your ex's cruelty impacted you. I think it's best if you move on from those experiences, take the knowledge of them with you, and enjoy your life for now, Danielle.
I wish you the best of happiness and please feel free to e-mail me more anytime.
Best of luck,
--Dr. O.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Reader question: Why do my exes always end up back in my life?
Q: Haley:) I've got a question about my "ex" boyfriends No matter how long we dated, how things ended etc. They ALL have come back into my life at one point. Some months/ years later. Why is this? Does this happen to most people? Thoughts? Thank you
--Anonymous
A: Ahhh, nothing like rehashing old experiences. Am I right, Anon? ;)
Of course, the sarcasm (or surprising lack thereof) of my statement is largely contingent upon whether or not you are happy about them coming back into your life. I will say that your experience is pretty rare, although most people do have SOME exes return in some way, if only for a little while. As far as WHY they come back, here is what you should consider: your personality, your exes' personalities, and the details of your experiences with your exes.
Now, naturally, my first instinct is to tell you that they all come crawling back because you're fabulous. I'm sure you are, but let's dig deeper. Think about your own personality. Are you extremely giving (and FORgiving) or are you the badass who's aloofness keeps the guys guessing? At either of these points, you are the kind of girl that guys will eventually want to go back to after they are sick of dealing with girls who are either extremely clingy or outright boring. Those latter two types don't keep men on their toes, they drive them away. A "giver" doesn't at first, but after a while a man will start to miss a girl who was just that awesome to them. A "drifter" (the person I described earlier who was aloof, mysterious etc.) WILL keep a guy on his toes, especially if he likes the chase, so even after a break up there is a good chance of him coming back.
(Note: I understand that we can't be shoved into one of these definitive groups, and that many other groupings exist, but I can't lie...one CAN categorize most high school- and college-aged girls in this manner with fair certainty.)
No matter who you are, though, the other key thing you have to consider is the personality of each of your exes. Everyone is different, so think about each one individually as well as collectively. If you find that the guys in your past are generally passionate, sensitive, and/or dependent people, then of course they are more likely to feel sentimental and return.
Finally, consider the experiences with each ex. Did you help "X" through a particularly hard time in his life while you were dating? Were you and "Y" really good friends before your little tryst? Were you with "Z" for many years before you finally dismantled? Even little experiences can be powerful enough to form a sort of lasting bond between two people. Other things to consider are location and easiness of communication. It is much easier to come back into someone's life if you see them a lot or can easily talk to them. It also takes two to tango, so there is a good chance that, at least with some of them, the re-entering of them into your life has been a product of both you and your ex finding each other...
I'm not a big believer in fate, so that novel above is essentially what I've got for ya. However, if you believe in the "everything happens for a reason" adage, you may consider the fact that each of these guys is somehow instrumental in your life and will help shape your future...
Even for me, that's something to think about. :O
Best of luck!,
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: Ahhh, nothing like rehashing old experiences. Am I right, Anon? ;)
Of course, the sarcasm (or surprising lack thereof) of my statement is largely contingent upon whether or not you are happy about them coming back into your life. I will say that your experience is pretty rare, although most people do have SOME exes return in some way, if only for a little while. As far as WHY they come back, here is what you should consider: your personality, your exes' personalities, and the details of your experiences with your exes.
Now, naturally, my first instinct is to tell you that they all come crawling back because you're fabulous. I'm sure you are, but let's dig deeper. Think about your own personality. Are you extremely giving (and FORgiving) or are you the badass who's aloofness keeps the guys guessing? At either of these points, you are the kind of girl that guys will eventually want to go back to after they are sick of dealing with girls who are either extremely clingy or outright boring. Those latter two types don't keep men on their toes, they drive them away. A "giver" doesn't at first, but after a while a man will start to miss a girl who was just that awesome to them. A "drifter" (the person I described earlier who was aloof, mysterious etc.) WILL keep a guy on his toes, especially if he likes the chase, so even after a break up there is a good chance of him coming back.
(Note: I understand that we can't be shoved into one of these definitive groups, and that many other groupings exist, but I can't lie...one CAN categorize most high school- and college-aged girls in this manner with fair certainty.)
No matter who you are, though, the other key thing you have to consider is the personality of each of your exes. Everyone is different, so think about each one individually as well as collectively. If you find that the guys in your past are generally passionate, sensitive, and/or dependent people, then of course they are more likely to feel sentimental and return.
Finally, consider the experiences with each ex. Did you help "X" through a particularly hard time in his life while you were dating? Were you and "Y" really good friends before your little tryst? Were you with "Z" for many years before you finally dismantled? Even little experiences can be powerful enough to form a sort of lasting bond between two people. Other things to consider are location and easiness of communication. It is much easier to come back into someone's life if you see them a lot or can easily talk to them. It also takes two to tango, so there is a good chance that, at least with some of them, the re-entering of them into your life has been a product of both you and your ex finding each other...
I'm not a big believer in fate, so that novel above is essentially what I've got for ya. However, if you believe in the "everything happens for a reason" adage, you may consider the fact that each of these guys is somehow instrumental in your life and will help shape your future...
Even for me, that's something to think about. :O
Best of luck!,
--Dr. O.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Reader question: How do I handle a long-distance crush?
Q: Dear Hayley,
I'm crisising right now!! Over the summer I counsel at a camp and this past summer I met a boy. Actually, he went to my high school but we actually started talking a lot at this camp and then started really talking on facebook just a few weeks ago. We talk every single day on FB chat and at night we will spend hours on the phone....sometimes till 5 in the morning! We have never kissed or done anything but recently he told me he had a dream that we were dating!!! I had wanted to get in touch with him for a long time but he had a girlfriend up until a month ago. He is now single, but the problem still remains that he lives in upstate NY with his dad now and I live in PA..not good. We have a good 4 hours of driving in between us and I don't even have my own car, plus he works a lot during the school year. However we are both graduating highschool this year and both looking to go to schools that are close to each other (not on purpose lol) so Iam trying to hold out hope for the future. But is there any? How do I maintain this until June when we meet again and how do I keep him interested until something more can grow during college? Thanks.
--Chanel
A: Chanel, let me first thank you graciously for ending the dry spell my blog has had for nearly two weeks. Now, for your question. :)
The truth is, darling, I could send you away at least somewhat happier with just one line that I firmly believe in: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. It doesn't matter if it takes weeks, months, or even several years. If two people are meant to be together, then it will eventually happen. However, I will delve deeper into the situation for you.
You say that you didn't really start seriously talking with him until about a month ago. Yes, it's great to have a new crush, but don't get too ahead of yourself! You never really know someone as well online as you would in person. Although you've spent plenty of time IRL with him as a friend, you have not yet been around him in a romantic setting.
For the next few months, do keep in touch with him, do get to know him, and do take things slow. His interest can't falter if you leave a little mystery and if you act like you have quite the life. If there is any way that you two could meet halfway before your summer camp, do it. Maybe take a day trip? No overnight stuff yet, or you're headed for Complicated City.
I will warn you not to count on him going to a college close to yours, although you know better than I do what he'll really do. Also, don't choose a college for him. You are extremely young. I say that with reverence; you're lucky. Do not get insanely worked up if it doesn't work out with this guy and DEFINITELY do not make your decisions based upon him.
Always remember: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. In addition to that: always be yourself. It all sounds very contrite and probably a little old persony, but it's true. That's why all the old people say it!
Best of luck,
Dr. O.
I'm crisising right now!! Over the summer I counsel at a camp and this past summer I met a boy. Actually, he went to my high school but we actually started talking a lot at this camp and then started really talking on facebook just a few weeks ago. We talk every single day on FB chat and at night we will spend hours on the phone....sometimes till 5 in the morning! We have never kissed or done anything but recently he told me he had a dream that we were dating!!! I had wanted to get in touch with him for a long time but he had a girlfriend up until a month ago. He is now single, but the problem still remains that he lives in upstate NY with his dad now and I live in PA..not good. We have a good 4 hours of driving in between us and I don't even have my own car, plus he works a lot during the school year. However we are both graduating highschool this year and both looking to go to schools that are close to each other (not on purpose lol) so Iam trying to hold out hope for the future. But is there any? How do I maintain this until June when we meet again and how do I keep him interested until something more can grow during college? Thanks.
--Chanel
A: Chanel, let me first thank you graciously for ending the dry spell my blog has had for nearly two weeks. Now, for your question. :)
The truth is, darling, I could send you away at least somewhat happier with just one line that I firmly believe in: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. It doesn't matter if it takes weeks, months, or even several years. If two people are meant to be together, then it will eventually happen. However, I will delve deeper into the situation for you.
You say that you didn't really start seriously talking with him until about a month ago. Yes, it's great to have a new crush, but don't get too ahead of yourself! You never really know someone as well online as you would in person. Although you've spent plenty of time IRL with him as a friend, you have not yet been around him in a romantic setting.
For the next few months, do keep in touch with him, do get to know him, and do take things slow. His interest can't falter if you leave a little mystery and if you act like you have quite the life. If there is any way that you two could meet halfway before your summer camp, do it. Maybe take a day trip? No overnight stuff yet, or you're headed for Complicated City.
I will warn you not to count on him going to a college close to yours, although you know better than I do what he'll really do. Also, don't choose a college for him. You are extremely young. I say that with reverence; you're lucky. Do not get insanely worked up if it doesn't work out with this guy and DEFINITELY do not make your decisions based upon him.
Always remember: if it's meant to be, it'll happen. In addition to that: always be yourself. It all sounds very contrite and probably a little old persony, but it's true. That's why all the old people say it!
Best of luck,
Dr. O.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hello again & Welcome Back...wait, is that redundant?
Hi everyone!
I'm so sorry that I haven't had new material up in a while. "Business" has been slow and since I was on spring break all last week, I took most of my attention away from school and blogging. However, I'm obviously back. That's pretty much all I got for ya.
I eagerly await more questions, comments, and thoughts, but in the mean time I do happen to have a little more info about me, the blogger, in case you were so curious. Yeah, yeah...it's a little conceited. But if you love to creep, I am doing you a service. Enjoy.
1. Your hair? It's long, pretty, and quite possibly the most boring dark brown color ever. I am itching to change it but waiting until it's extra long.
2. Your favorite food? I'm old fashioned--tofu and quinoa. No big deal.
3. Your favorite drink? WATER. It's quite possibly the most delicious chemical compound ever.
4. Your dream/goal? I have far too many. It's safe to say, though, that I'd love a kick-ass job one day. Oh, and I wanna make it my whole life without getting divorced...is that lofty, or just cynical?
5. Your hobby? Oh god, what DON'T I do? Um, photography, blogging, modeling, playing video games with a little too much gusto, and learning. Yes, learning...wanna fight about it?
6. Your fear? Knott's Scary Farm. Don't even joke about taking me to that shit.
7. Where were you last night? At my boyfriend's house, wondering how the hell I got to meet someone so much like myself.
8. Something you say all the time? As a California native, I am utterly cursed with the "like" reflex. Please slap me every time you hear me say it, as it's getting extremely out of hand.
9. Something that you’re not? Apathetic. Seriously, I have an opinion on everything. I think every minute of every day. I care about everyone. It's annoying.
10. Wishlist item? Breast implants. But seriously, in a perfect world I'd make going to Japan on my wishlist and I'd volunteer there for a month. But since that can't happen right now, yeah...I'll start with the boobies.
11. Last thing you did? I tried to taste my tea to see if it was ready. Yeah, not quite.
12. What are you wearing? An inside out knit tee (surprise, surprise) and some Victoria's Secret pajama pants that are about 3 sizes too big. Lookin' sharp.
13. Your pets? You mean kids? I have a 6-inch, furry 3-year-old with 8 legs named Sophia.
14. Friends? Mine? Or yours? Well, they're awesome, end-o story.
15. Missing someone? I'm always yearning for the man, but I also obviously miss my friends and family. Hell, I miss everyone. All the time.
16. Something you’re not wearing? A cravat, although I'd look rather dashing in one.
17. Your favorite store? You're going to hate me for this answer, but please excuse this poor hipster when she mentions Forever 21 as a reasonable shopping destination. It's just too damn good. So is Karmaloop.
18. Your favorite color? I'm a sucker for grey, creme, and royal blue. Sea green is nice as well.
19. The last time you cried? I don't know, I cry all the time.
20. When's the last time you laughed? I don't know, I laugh all the time.
21. One place that I go to over and over? The BAC building at ASU. I don't think a day has gone by this year that I haven't been there for some reason.
22. Where do you eat? Anywhere they cater to my jacked-up tastebuds...as long as they don't specialize in spicy food.
I'm so sorry that I haven't had new material up in a while. "Business" has been slow and since I was on spring break all last week, I took most of my attention away from school and blogging. However, I'm obviously back. That's pretty much all I got for ya.
I eagerly await more questions, comments, and thoughts, but in the mean time I do happen to have a little more info about me, the blogger, in case you were so curious. Yeah, yeah...it's a little conceited. But if you love to creep, I am doing you a service. Enjoy.
1. Your hair? It's long, pretty, and quite possibly the most boring dark brown color ever. I am itching to change it but waiting until it's extra long.
2. Your favorite food? I'm old fashioned--tofu and quinoa. No big deal.
3. Your favorite drink? WATER. It's quite possibly the most delicious chemical compound ever.
4. Your dream/goal? I have far too many. It's safe to say, though, that I'd love a kick-ass job one day. Oh, and I wanna make it my whole life without getting divorced...is that lofty, or just cynical?
5. Your hobby? Oh god, what DON'T I do? Um, photography, blogging, modeling, playing video games with a little too much gusto, and learning. Yes, learning...wanna fight about it?
6. Your fear? Knott's Scary Farm. Don't even joke about taking me to that shit.
7. Where were you last night? At my boyfriend's house, wondering how the hell I got to meet someone so much like myself.
8. Something you say all the time? As a California native, I am utterly cursed with the "like" reflex. Please slap me every time you hear me say it, as it's getting extremely out of hand.
9. Something that you’re not? Apathetic. Seriously, I have an opinion on everything. I think every minute of every day. I care about everyone. It's annoying.
10. Wishlist item? Breast implants. But seriously, in a perfect world I'd make going to Japan on my wishlist and I'd volunteer there for a month. But since that can't happen right now, yeah...I'll start with the boobies.
11. Last thing you did? I tried to taste my tea to see if it was ready. Yeah, not quite.
12. What are you wearing? An inside out knit tee (surprise, surprise) and some Victoria's Secret pajama pants that are about 3 sizes too big. Lookin' sharp.
13. Your pets? You mean kids? I have a 6-inch, furry 3-year-old with 8 legs named Sophia.
14. Friends? Mine? Or yours? Well, they're awesome, end-o story.
15. Missing someone? I'm always yearning for the man, but I also obviously miss my friends and family. Hell, I miss everyone. All the time.
16. Something you’re not wearing? A cravat, although I'd look rather dashing in one.
17. Your favorite store? You're going to hate me for this answer, but please excuse this poor hipster when she mentions Forever 21 as a reasonable shopping destination. It's just too damn good. So is Karmaloop.
18. Your favorite color? I'm a sucker for grey, creme, and royal blue. Sea green is nice as well.
19. The last time you cried? I don't know, I cry all the time.
20. When's the last time you laughed? I don't know, I laugh all the time.
21. One place that I go to over and over? The BAC building at ASU. I don't think a day has gone by this year that I haven't been there for some reason.
22. Where do you eat? Anywhere they cater to my jacked-up tastebuds...as long as they don't specialize in spicy food.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Reader question: How can I stop attracting douchebags?
Q: Dear Dr. O ,
So I am single and happily single at that. Although sometimes I do feel really lonely. don't get me wrong I love guys, but it is soooo fucking annoying for every guy I meet for the first time that we hang out to expect me to put out!!! Because half of the time I don't want to, or want to wait a while. I never know how to tell guys this in a nice way. Or how to stop attracting those types of guys/men even though i'm single and sometimes down. It really hurts my feelings when guys try to pressure me into doing things, it is by far the most annoying thing in the world. and then I get really uncomfortable whatever we are doing and totally shut down. Yet i'm not sure if they see it, or know why? Can you please give me advice.
--Anonymous
A: Awwww, Anon! Don't get so down. You sing the sorrows of many-a college girl and truth be told, your problems are easily solved.
The first step you need to take is a self-evaluation. Yes, I love telling people to do this--it works! Ask yourself how you present yourself in front of guys. Do you dress suggestively? Do you flirt a lot? Do you initiate lesser forms of "putting out", such as kissing? I know it sounds bad, but if you answer "yes" to these questions, a dumb, young/college-aged boy is generally going to think there's more in store for him--i.e., sex. Most guys these age, sadly, are not only trying to avoid girlfriends, but are TRYING to hook up with whomever they want.
Now, you have said that you like being single, but don't like being surrounded by guys who just wanna have sex. Unfortunately, it's pretty tough to find guys who won't expect it sometime, girly, especially if you are sexy, flirty, and seem "down"! The truth is, there ARE a handful of decent guys who are cool with the friends with benefits (FWB) model and cool with waiting before things happen. Like I said, though...it ain't easy!
The next step is to figure out what you really want. If you want to be single and continue hooking up with you want, understand that 90% of these guys are going to only want sex. If you want to casually date/hook up guys and just take things a little slower, do just that--take it slower! Even if you're not intending to seriously date the person, try not kissing on the first "date" or make your first hang-out in a public place (after all, it reduces the chances that he'll ask for sex right there, lol). It might be hard, but changing your habits a little will potentially expose you to better guys.
Best of luck!
Dr. O.
So I am single and happily single at that. Although sometimes I do feel really lonely. don't get me wrong I love guys, but it is soooo fucking annoying for every guy I meet for the first time that we hang out to expect me to put out!!! Because half of the time I don't want to, or want to wait a while. I never know how to tell guys this in a nice way. Or how to stop attracting those types of guys/men even though i'm single and sometimes down. It really hurts my feelings when guys try to pressure me into doing things, it is by far the most annoying thing in the world. and then I get really uncomfortable whatever we are doing and totally shut down. Yet i'm not sure if they see it, or know why? Can you please give me advice.
--Anonymous
A: Awwww, Anon! Don't get so down. You sing the sorrows of many-a college girl and truth be told, your problems are easily solved.
The first step you need to take is a self-evaluation. Yes, I love telling people to do this--it works! Ask yourself how you present yourself in front of guys. Do you dress suggestively? Do you flirt a lot? Do you initiate lesser forms of "putting out", such as kissing? I know it sounds bad, but if you answer "yes" to these questions, a dumb, young/college-aged boy is generally going to think there's more in store for him--i.e., sex. Most guys these age, sadly, are not only trying to avoid girlfriends, but are TRYING to hook up with whomever they want.
Now, you have said that you like being single, but don't like being surrounded by guys who just wanna have sex. Unfortunately, it's pretty tough to find guys who won't expect it sometime, girly, especially if you are sexy, flirty, and seem "down"! The truth is, there ARE a handful of decent guys who are cool with the friends with benefits (FWB) model and cool with waiting before things happen. Like I said, though...it ain't easy!
The next step is to figure out what you really want. If you want to be single and continue hooking up with you want, understand that 90% of these guys are going to only want sex. If you want to casually date/hook up guys and just take things a little slower, do just that--take it slower! Even if you're not intending to seriously date the person, try not kissing on the first "date" or make your first hang-out in a public place (after all, it reduces the chances that he'll ask for sex right there, lol). It might be hard, but changing your habits a little will potentially expose you to better guys.
Best of luck!
Dr. O.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Reader question: Is "serial dating" a good idea?
Q: Haley, I tend to go from relationship to relationship. Sometimes with gaps of being single. I'm curious how to date more than one guy at a time. Intimacy? Do they need to know about eachother? Should I just pick one? Can I find a good balance? Thank you!
--Anonymous
A: Anon, the concept of dating multiple people is like being on a battlefield: its treacherous territory, it certainly isn't for everyone, and you have to have your head on a swivel, because anything can happen at any time. However, I am going to assume that you are willing to take on the somewhat daring role of a serial dater and I will answer all of your smaller questions in succession:
Just how DO you date one more guy at a time? The idea is fairly simple: hang out with the guys you're interested in at different times and consciously avoid having the other guys see or hear about you two. Coordinating this simply depends on your schedule, their schedules, and the knowledge of their respective locations. I'm just saying, the idea behind dating multiple people is that you don't let the others actively SEE you. When in a non-serious dating scene, people should assume that their prospective interests are keeping their options open--but it'd still be awkward to see the girl you like on a date with another guy regardless.
Intimacy (--how does that all work)? This obviously depends on your personal preference, but IN GENERAL (as in, this doesn't apply to EVERY girl) I feel like things are less complicated if you keep sexual activity out of it until you feel like dating, more or less, one guy. I'm not a prude or anything, it's just what I've found makes things a little easier. I think kissing and a little light fooling around is okay, but the minute more stuff happens with multiple guys is the minute that things get wayyy more complicated. As girls, we get oddly attached to guys that we are sexual with and that's a fact. Now, imagine being "attached" to 3 guys at once...yikes!
Do they need to know about each other? The short answer is no, but it's not really fair to get "serious" with more than one guy. If you're letting 5 guys introduce you to mom and dad or get you lavish birthday gifts...it's eventually gonna get ugly.
Should I just pick one? Only pick "one" when you KNOW he's worth it!
and finally, Can I find a good balance? Well, between what and what? Unfortunately, I'm not of the opinion that you can "have your cake and eat it too". It just ends up in disaster and ends up hurting people, including potentially you. The truth is, serial dating is fine to a point. But soon enough, someone's gonna want you to commit--unless the other guys you're dating just wanna date around, too.
Best of luck, and I hope I helped!
--Dr. O.
--Anonymous
A: Anon, the concept of dating multiple people is like being on a battlefield: its treacherous territory, it certainly isn't for everyone, and you have to have your head on a swivel, because anything can happen at any time. However, I am going to assume that you are willing to take on the somewhat daring role of a serial dater and I will answer all of your smaller questions in succession:
Just how DO you date one more guy at a time? The idea is fairly simple: hang out with the guys you're interested in at different times and consciously avoid having the other guys see or hear about you two. Coordinating this simply depends on your schedule, their schedules, and the knowledge of their respective locations. I'm just saying, the idea behind dating multiple people is that you don't let the others actively SEE you. When in a non-serious dating scene, people should assume that their prospective interests are keeping their options open--but it'd still be awkward to see the girl you like on a date with another guy regardless.
Intimacy (--how does that all work)? This obviously depends on your personal preference, but IN GENERAL (as in, this doesn't apply to EVERY girl) I feel like things are less complicated if you keep sexual activity out of it until you feel like dating, more or less, one guy. I'm not a prude or anything, it's just what I've found makes things a little easier. I think kissing and a little light fooling around is okay, but the minute more stuff happens with multiple guys is the minute that things get wayyy more complicated. As girls, we get oddly attached to guys that we are sexual with and that's a fact. Now, imagine being "attached" to 3 guys at once...yikes!
Do they need to know about each other? The short answer is no, but it's not really fair to get "serious" with more than one guy. If you're letting 5 guys introduce you to mom and dad or get you lavish birthday gifts...it's eventually gonna get ugly.
Should I just pick one? Only pick "one" when you KNOW he's worth it!
and finally, Can I find a good balance? Well, between what and what? Unfortunately, I'm not of the opinion that you can "have your cake and eat it too". It just ends up in disaster and ends up hurting people, including potentially you. The truth is, serial dating is fine to a point. But soon enough, someone's gonna want you to commit--unless the other guys you're dating just wanna date around, too.
Best of luck, and I hope I helped!
--Dr. O.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Reader question: Why "friend zone" placement happens to guys.
Q: Dear Haley,
I'm a nice guy that has much respect for all women.
When it comes to women i feel i can talk to them very well, keep a good conversation going, and i always try to make a good first impression. But it seems every time i always seem to get put into the friend zone and i never get the chance to try and make a relationship out of it or at least the chance to try to date them.
Is there something that i am doing wrong?
When it comes to women i feel i can talk to them very well, keep a good conversation going, and i always try to make a good first impression. But it seems every time i always seem to get put into the friend zone and i never get the chance to try and make a relationship out of it or at least the chance to try to date them.
Is there something that i am doing wrong?
Sincerly,
Mr. Always Set Aside
A: Mr. Always Set Aside, I feel your pain in the weirdest way. I can tell that you and I are one in the same as far as having a giving, loving, and accommodating personality. However, I'm going to have to make a weird request of you (though, mind you, I also gave myself the same request recently): you are going to have to be less "nice"!
The reason that you are being put into the "friend zone" by the girls you know is most likely because you are just too damn nice. I'm serious! It sounds crazy, but such a thing does exist. Ask yourself the following questions:
-Do you make yourself too available to girls, either to hang out or to talk about their problems?
-Do you give a lot to girls (gifts, time, compliments) without getting a lot in return?
-Are you too forgiving of your female acquaintances, even if they have hurt you in the past?
-When you do get the chance to get romantically close to a girl, do you move a little too fast?
-Do you do "everything" for the girl you like?
There are a million more that I can ask, but just generally think about your actions around girls.
Unfortunately, people are hypocritical. We grow up thinking we want the perfect prince or the loveliest princess, but we end up desiring the offbeat rebel who makes us chase them till we're out of breath. I try not to use myself as an example, but I'll tell you that I didn't fall for my boyfriend because he was always at my every whim, always talking to me, or always bringing my flowers. No, I fell for him because although he was a great guy and a loving person, he was someone who clearly had his own thing going on and had a little mystery to him. Mr. SAS, The key word is mystery. Have some, and it will save you. The truth is, you can still be a nice and great guy, but tone down some of your actions and words and only reserve your kindest actions for the lady who truly deserves it. You can balance being awesome and being mysterious, I promise you that. Take it down a notch one step at a time and eventually you will find your own personal balance that works for you. You deserve the best for yourself, always remember that.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Reader question: Is dating in the workplace a bad idea?
Q: Hi Haley. My question regards office dating. I have worked in the same office for about a year and am interested in a woman there. I can at least tell she is interested in me as well, though I don't know if her interest is genuine or just a 'crush'. We are both temps and will be moving to different companies (in the same city) after we are done here, so I figure it's not a terrible idea since we will be out of here anyway. However people are still telling me that office dating is a bad idea. What do you think?
--Dan
A: Dan, I hate to say it, but I have to side with your naysayers--for now. I understand that you have a significant interest in this girl, but if you are so sure that you will both be getting out of there soon, then wait until you do! Unfortunately, a lot can happen in your remaining months at the same company, and some of those outcomes could ravage your personal life and affect your work performance. I know that the flirty atmosphere is probably palpable at this point. For now, keep it cool, and maybe ask her to lunch towards the end of your tenure at your current company. In the mean time, focus on work, or if you feel like she is not totally worth it, focus on dating other women outside your work.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
--Dan
A: Dan, I hate to say it, but I have to side with your naysayers--for now. I understand that you have a significant interest in this girl, but if you are so sure that you will both be getting out of there soon, then wait until you do! Unfortunately, a lot can happen in your remaining months at the same company, and some of those outcomes could ravage your personal life and affect your work performance. I know that the flirty atmosphere is probably palpable at this point. For now, keep it cool, and maybe ask her to lunch towards the end of your tenure at your current company. In the mean time, focus on work, or if you feel like she is not totally worth it, focus on dating other women outside your work.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Friday, February 18, 2011
From iPod with Love: a mobile-written fable of appreciation and blessings
For my readers who know me personally, you are probably familiar with the fact that two of the most precious pieces of electronics I own are currently hyperhydrated and therefore, slowly dying. Yes, I have water damage, folks--and it don't look too pretty.
I am currently operating on my iPod, which by the grace of some god has survived its SECOND attempted aqua-homicide this week. Needless to say, I'm thrilled, as I can still use the Internet gratuitously on this little guy. He's a tank, I tell ya.
However, I must say that I was not so thankful last night when I discovered that my brand new Louis Vuitton bag was carrying extra weight--water weight, that is! CRAP! A renegade water bottle with a cheap cap and a flimsy body was the culprit. At the time, computer was toast, phone was toast, and even iPod seemed toast. I was miserable! Like any Gen-Y, I operate entirely on technology! I can't live without it, and a lot of precious school info and music is on there! MUSIC! Life sucked then.
Later on, I realized two things after this happened: 1, I needed to stop taking my things for granted and start being a little more careful. 2, these things...they're just that: things. In all honesty, I can easily replace them. It could have been so much worse. I almost feel like this happened just to remind me of these things.
As a reader of my blog, you are probably wondering, "Well, what does this have anything to do with relationships?" Truly, the answer is prety simple. Love your partner. Cherish your partner. The next time you feel like yelling, don't, because it's probably not even worth it. Never take your partner for granted, or you might lose them. And people, that's a hell of a lot more than a busted phone. Always remember this and I can promise you you'll be so much happier.
--Dr. O.
p.s. For those of you curious fasionistos/as, the bag is fine. My he pulled through great, and he'll need nothing more than a checkup at the Scottsdale mall.
p.p.s. My genius of a boyfriend has fixed my computer and is in the process of fixing my phone. I will never complain again.
I am currently operating on my iPod, which by the grace of some god has survived its SECOND attempted aqua-homicide this week. Needless to say, I'm thrilled, as I can still use the Internet gratuitously on this little guy. He's a tank, I tell ya.
However, I must say that I was not so thankful last night when I discovered that my brand new Louis Vuitton bag was carrying extra weight--water weight, that is! CRAP! A renegade water bottle with a cheap cap and a flimsy body was the culprit. At the time, computer was toast, phone was toast, and even iPod seemed toast. I was miserable! Like any Gen-Y, I operate entirely on technology! I can't live without it, and a lot of precious school info and music is on there! MUSIC! Life sucked then.
Later on, I realized two things after this happened: 1, I needed to stop taking my things for granted and start being a little more careful. 2, these things...they're just that: things. In all honesty, I can easily replace them. It could have been so much worse. I almost feel like this happened just to remind me of these things.
As a reader of my blog, you are probably wondering, "Well, what does this have anything to do with relationships?" Truly, the answer is prety simple. Love your partner. Cherish your partner. The next time you feel like yelling, don't, because it's probably not even worth it. Never take your partner for granted, or you might lose them. And people, that's a hell of a lot more than a busted phone. Always remember this and I can promise you you'll be so much happier.
--Dr. O.
p.s. For those of you curious fasionistos/as, the bag is fine. My he pulled through great, and he'll need nothing more than a checkup at the Scottsdale mall.
p.p.s. My genius of a boyfriend has fixed my computer and is in the process of fixing my phone. I will never complain again.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Reader question: How do I approach the "weight" issue with online dating?
Q: Okay, I've been debating whether or not to submit anything about this, because I'm kinda lazy about trying to put the words together to say what I'm wanting to say/ask in the most concise manner possible, but here it goes:
If you decide to actually answer this question, I can probably send you a shorter version.
I've dabbled in the online dating thing for years and years and years with many breaks in between. In its most recent incarnation, my online dating approach has trained quite drastically. I used to meet guys without a whole lot of thought, if they were attractive (to me), could put together full sentences without glaringly awful grammatical errors, shared some common interests, and didn't present any of the obvious deal-breakers for me.
Now, I am super reluctant and guarded about meeting anyone. Why, you ask. Well, I've gained a shit-ton of weight, and just don't have the same confidence I once did, what little of it I actually once had. See, I'm pretty awesome in most other aspects of my being, and I'm told I sell myself way short.
Shit, I should really get to the actual question, huh? I've thought to myself many times, that I would be more comfortable meeting these guys, if I actually told them prior to the meeting, that I'm a pretty big girl, and if they have serious issues with that, then let's not bother. I feel like that can come across as insecure, but really, most every big girl I know is insecure about their weight, but that doesn't make them insecure as a person. I don't think that I am, but some guys are just kinda simple minded, and would read it as such. Does that even make sense? I just don't want to waste any time, and I sure as hell don't want to be repeatedly rejected. That shit hurts.
And yes, I have recent pictures on my profile, but I don't think they are a true representation of my size, because they all seem to mask it pretty well.
So... do you think that it's a bad idea to say anything about this, if you are seriously considering meeting someone?
--Kim
A: Has the weight issue ever popped up in the past? Or, are you just worried that your recent weight gain has sharply affected your confidence? If it's the former, are you afraid of getting rejected by men over your weight? If it's the latter, are you worried that men will be "put off" by your potential lack of confidence? Finally, is it possibly just a mix of both? :)
I'll tackle the first issue, well, first: if you're concerned about the weight thing with guys, you have a few options.
1) You can put your height and weight stats on your profile--this is a little much and isn't really an accurate portrayal of how your body really LOOKS, in my opinion, but it would take away from any shallow guys.
2) You can ignore guys who say anything in their profile requiring specific physical attributes in females. Honestly, any guy who lists highly specific needs in that arena is a bit of a loser. End of story.
3) You could post new pictures that you feel show your weight a little more accurately.
Whatever you choose, dear Kim, you must realize that any guy worth your time isn't going to care about your weight. You do not need to explicitly say anything about your weight before you meet someone if you feel that your pictures are reasonably accurate. When you do meet a guy, unless you are obese or extremely unhealthy, he's not gonna bat an eye. One thing that girls need to realize is that a guy would rather have a slightly overweight girl than a slightly underweight girl. I've NEVER had a man tell me otherwise. :)
I wrote a blurb on online dating a little while ago, and you can read it by clicking here. Be very discriminating of who you meet, and don't meet anyone who you think will hold negative feelings towards your weight.
That brings me to the second issue, the insecurities. Kim, short or tall, skinny or not-so-skinny, pretty or ugly, we as women are chock full of insecurities. It's not a big deal, and men recognize that about us. However, there is a difference between being quietly insecure and constantly going off about your insecurity. Telling your new date that you are on a weight loss plan because you gained weight recently is just fine. Continuously mentioning how miserable you are and acting negative due to your weight is not only going to be emotionally unattractive, but it will make you less physically appealing. No joke. Confidence is sexy, and as contrite as it sounds, it's one of the truest things out there.
In summation, worry less about your weight and bring back your confidence. Always accurately portray yourself online and in person; always be YOU. It you are able to, begin a healthier diet and workout plan--just doing it will make you feel better, even if you don't see results immediately. From the sounds of it, you are a beautiful person inside and out, and I stand by my conviction that unless you are significantly obese and unhealthy, no guy worth your time is going to care about your weight.
Best of luck!
--Dr. O.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
6 Legit Reasons Why He (or She) Isn't Into You
I know what you're thinking: "We already all saw this movie", "It's pretty obvious", "We don't need any more information on this subject". Well, too bad. I for one happen to think that simplifying disinterest into that movie's principles is a crock of crap, so I'm adding my own spin to it. Here we go!
6. Your belief systems clash
You're an agnostic Jew, he's Catholic--like, really Catholic. She's a hardcore republican, you donate a generous portion of your time to campaigning for environmental legislation and have even started a "Save the Seals" foundation. Whatever the situation, your attitudes of life just don't clash. If the person you're into is avoiding you because of this reason, it's a good thing.
5. They just don't find you that attractive
Don't worry--this doesn't mean your automatically "ugly", obviously. People have all sorts of things they are attracted to and all sorts of things that turn them off. I've been rejected by various people for being skinny, brunette-haired, blonde-haired, tall, American, Eastern European-American, smart, and "overtly creative" (I'm gonna go ahead and translate that one as "weird" for ya.) Maybe the girl you like only likes skinny emo fellas, and you're anything but. Don't take it personally--the right one for you will find you enormously attractive just as you are.
4. They've heard things about you that aren't true--or just might be
Unfortunately, this issue extends far beyond high school, especially among tightly-knit groups of friends. If you're known for being a "man-whore" or if you're the girl who everyone hears is "crazy", reputations like that can be hard to shake. However, a person who is really interested in you will take the damn time to get to know YOU--no excuses. If your negative denotation is matched to your grape-vine connotation, though, then you have a lot of work to do before you get into a relationship, anyway!
3. You have completely different interests
So the cute, nerdy girl you're crushing on has a penchant for 1940s-era classic films and hypermodern architecture. You're a science geek who doesn't know the first thing about right brain pleasures and would rather think about new theories on quantum physics than watch Citizen Kane. No matter the combination, having vastly different interests and little in common is, unfortunately, a recipe often akin to disaster. They say "opposites attract"--riiiiight. You will be bored stiff if you get with someone who you share nothing in common with.
2. You come from completely different cultures--and they don't know how to handle it
Inter-cultural relationships can be a beautiful, enriching thing, but unfortunately there are still plenty of people who don't mesh well with others simply because of cultural differences and an inability to assimilate with each other. An American friend of mine would get repeatedly angry with her Chinese boyfriend because of language differences and his devotion to academics over her, and sadly they never worked out. Although inter-cultural relationships will always present challenges, each person should be willing to bend a little to accommodate the other person. However, if a person avoids all people outside their own culture, they're not someone you want to be with, anyway.
1. They were into you--but you messed it up by moving too fast!
Haha, okay, not necessarily. In most cases, you both did. I list this as number 1 because it is all too common and all too true. Ever been with someone who seemed "so amazing", so you slept with them on the first date, spent a WHOLE day/night with them on the second, and bought them a nice gift on the third? *slaps hand* No, no, NO! Bad!
Moving too fast is a sure-fire way to mess everything up, even if it could have been a decent relationship. Yes, it is entirely possible to lose a great relationship over this! HOWEVER...
I end with this statement, to nobody's surprise: no matter what, the person with whom you're meant to be will be there. Always. They will give you as many chances as they can. They will be honest to the core. They will be even more intrigued by you with every passing minute. They will trust you. One day, they will love you.
In short, here is a lesson, my friends, from the late, great Dr. Seuss:
“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because
Those Who Mind Don't Matter
and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”
6. Your belief systems clash
You're an agnostic Jew, he's Catholic--like, really Catholic. She's a hardcore republican, you donate a generous portion of your time to campaigning for environmental legislation and have even started a "Save the Seals" foundation. Whatever the situation, your attitudes of life just don't clash. If the person you're into is avoiding you because of this reason, it's a good thing.
5. They just don't find you that attractive
Don't worry--this doesn't mean your automatically "ugly", obviously. People have all sorts of things they are attracted to and all sorts of things that turn them off. I've been rejected by various people for being skinny, brunette-haired, blonde-haired, tall, American, Eastern European-American, smart, and "overtly creative" (I'm gonna go ahead and translate that one as "weird" for ya.) Maybe the girl you like only likes skinny emo fellas, and you're anything but. Don't take it personally--the right one for you will find you enormously attractive just as you are.
4. They've heard things about you that aren't true--or just might be
Unfortunately, this issue extends far beyond high school, especially among tightly-knit groups of friends. If you're known for being a "man-whore" or if you're the girl who everyone hears is "crazy", reputations like that can be hard to shake. However, a person who is really interested in you will take the damn time to get to know YOU--no excuses. If your negative denotation is matched to your grape-vine connotation, though, then you have a lot of work to do before you get into a relationship, anyway!
3. You have completely different interests
So the cute, nerdy girl you're crushing on has a penchant for 1940s-era classic films and hypermodern architecture. You're a science geek who doesn't know the first thing about right brain pleasures and would rather think about new theories on quantum physics than watch Citizen Kane. No matter the combination, having vastly different interests and little in common is, unfortunately, a recipe often akin to disaster. They say "opposites attract"--riiiiight. You will be bored stiff if you get with someone who you share nothing in common with.
2. You come from completely different cultures--and they don't know how to handle it
Inter-cultural relationships can be a beautiful, enriching thing, but unfortunately there are still plenty of people who don't mesh well with others simply because of cultural differences and an inability to assimilate with each other. An American friend of mine would get repeatedly angry with her Chinese boyfriend because of language differences and his devotion to academics over her, and sadly they never worked out. Although inter-cultural relationships will always present challenges, each person should be willing to bend a little to accommodate the other person. However, if a person avoids all people outside their own culture, they're not someone you want to be with, anyway.
1. They were into you--but you messed it up by moving too fast!
Haha, okay, not necessarily. In most cases, you both did. I list this as number 1 because it is all too common and all too true. Ever been with someone who seemed "so amazing", so you slept with them on the first date, spent a WHOLE day/night with them on the second, and bought them a nice gift on the third? *slaps hand* No, no, NO! Bad!
Moving too fast is a sure-fire way to mess everything up, even if it could have been a decent relationship. Yes, it is entirely possible to lose a great relationship over this! HOWEVER...
I end with this statement, to nobody's surprise: no matter what, the person with whom you're meant to be will be there. Always. They will give you as many chances as they can. They will be honest to the core. They will be even more intrigued by you with every passing minute. They will trust you. One day, they will love you.
In short, here is a lesson, my friends, from the late, great Dr. Seuss:
“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because
Those Who Mind Don't Matter
and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”
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