Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Girls who like boys who like boys

Q: I come to you with a problem that has been unsettling me very deeply. I'm 19, in college, and I identify as a gay male. For the last four months, I have been in my first significant relationship of my life. And on top of that, she's...well, a she. At first, this was a non-issue. More of a matter of me opening my mind to love her for who she is than her junk. Yadda yadda. And I do love her, very deeply. But the problem is that I do not think I can be with her as her boyfriend. My "gayness" has been rearing it's head, and I've become...very unhappy in this relationship. I've come to the logical conclusion that I should break it off, but I'm terrified to go ahead with that, because I don't want to lose her friendship. She has told me that she doesn't think we'd ever be able to be friends, or even be around each other at all if we were to break up because it would be too painful for her. (We share an enormous number of mutual friends, so this would be difficult.) What I would like to know is, is there some sort of secret way to let her down easy, which would make a continuation of our friendship more likely? Or should I just prepare to start making new friends?


A: It is always important that you go with your heart, sexuality-wise. We can love people all we want for reasons other than their "junk" (hehe) but in the end, sex DOES matter. You are not going to be able to have a functioning relationship without an eventual degree of intimacy--it's just a fact. 

That being said, this relationship cannot continue in any romantic way.
The truth is, there's never a way to truly let someone down easy, so you might as well just tell her the truth. You care for her, you respect her, and you are willing to be her friend, but you are not sexually attracted to women. It would be not only unfair to you, but unfair to HER, if you continued this relationship. 

The next part, naturally, is the whole friend thing. I assume that you have a decent amount of non-mutual friends, so hang out with them a little more. Don't shun your old, mutual friends, but don't hang out with them and your ex at the same time. Also, don't trash talk your ex--I don't think you will at all, just sayin'. I guess all of that is common sense. :P

I do think that you will need to separate yourself from this girl for a while, after the whole break-up thing that is. Regardless of how YOU feel, she has made it clear that it would be damn near impossible to remain friends with you directly after the breakup. She has big-time feelings for you, that's why! Now, that's not to say that you can't be friends down the road, but the hard truth is that you simply cannot be around each other for a while. If you lose her as a friend FOREVER over this...well, I hate to sound cliched, but she was just not worth it. 

There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you like, and hopefully your soon-to-be-ex will understand that. If she's a true friend, she will. She will recover and move on (romantically), and so will you. Just be honest with her and don't let her guilt trip you into doing something that will eventually leave you both unhappy.

Best of luck. :)

--Dr O.

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