Sunday, January 9, 2011

The "Just Friends" scene on repeat

Q: Dear Dr. O,

Just some objective advice would be great :)

June 2010 - I met a boy who was tall, cute, and funny. We didn’t say
much to each other that first night. He was there to be set up with
another girl.Breakfast the next morning I couldn’t help but wishing
that I had been on the couch with him. We all said our goodbyes and
that was that.

The next day. With me being my crazy self I found him online and
started talking to him. We set a hangout session for that night to
watch the Laker Game (blah). My stomach was in knots the whole time.
He made me laugh. He made me nervous. Mostly he just made me smile… As
it starting getting late he finally made his move. My lips started
burning as his touched mine. And that was the start of this whole

July 2010 - We hung out (or dated) for about 52 days. I thought things
were going fine until I got that text “ I think we should just be
friends, I don’t really see us going anywhere with this relationship.”
I cried. I left work early, and cried. I haven’t been in a real
relationship since Jeremy, we dated for 2 years, and that was 2 years
ago. Chase was the only guy within that time that I could see being in
a relationship with. But not after that text.

Over the summer 2010 - Chase and I somewhat stayed out of touch we
would do the “ hi how’s life “ every now and then but that’s about it.

I started getting calls from him to ‘meet up’ for quickies that no one
could know about. I agreed. Some part of me just yearned for him to
touch me again. I thought “ Maybe he will like me again...and want to
start again.” No such luck. When I left from these meetings I felt
horrible, I could clearly see he had no feelings for me at all. But I
kept meeting him because I still had feelings for him. These meetings
finally came to an end when I couldn’t take it anymore. The way I felt
and the way he felt were on completely opposite ends of the spectrum;
it wasn’t doing any good at all. I finally stood up and said enough.
He was okay with it. Like it didn’t matter.

October 2010 - He started texting me again. I made it clear that I
would not be having sex with him and he said he just wanted to be
friends. So that’s what it was. We were just friends. For about 2
weeks...then he was back in my bed again.

From October until now my feelings just keep getting stronger and
stronger. We have that ‘ oh no we’re just friends, but we act like we
are together’ relationship . We have met each other’s families and go
on fun day outings, we'll stay in and cuddle watching movies. I don’t
like being away from him for more than a few days. I can’t stand not
talking to him for more than a few hours. I am completely head over
heels for this ‘just friend’. It’s tearing me apart because I'm pretty
sure deep down that he doesn’t feel the same way. And he is once again
going to start feeling like this isn’t going anywhere. I really,
really don’t want to think about that day, it might completely ruin

I am pretty much at a loss on what to do with him. He gets jealous
over other guys I talk to and he says he likes me. He knows I like
him. But it has been 8 months and there has been no progress with our
relationship and I’m still worried that he doesn’t want more with me.


A: Terra, the good news is that damn near every woman in the universe has felt how you feel. Here's the bad news: try as we might, deny as we may, I need to tell you something about us girls: we cannot fully separate love (or rather infatuation/"liking" someone) and sex. PERIOD. I have yet to meet a girl who can properly challenge that fact. Yes, we can start out by having harmless sex and thinking it's no big deal, but I've found that more often than not, emotions eventually creep their way in.

You have had sex with this guy a fair bit and that has definitely intensified the feelings you feel towards him, as it would for most women (and certainly some men). This is normal and natural, but I must warn you that it is going to be a hell of a lot harder to let him go because you guys have been so intimate. I know what I'm saying sounds cheezy and old person-y, but it's true.

Anyways, you have been involved with this guy for eight months and he has obviously acted completely frustrating and confusing towards you. The way I see it, he is a classic "Have Your Cake and Eat it Too" guy. Basically, he's a guy who is not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship, but still wants to reap the benefits of a relationship (i.e. sex, cuddling, fun times, acting jealous). Terra, if you are indeed looking for a meaningful relationship with someone, this is NOT it. Sorry, girly.

The problem is that this guy KNOWS he can have his cake and eat it too. He's treating you unfairly, making you too emotional to stay at work, keeping you up at night, and God knows what else! He is immature. I understand that he is tall, cute, and funny, but sweetheart...plenty of guys are.

My honest, objective advice for you is to stop treating him as a romantically-themed player in your life. I am not saying that you have to cut him out of your life completely yet, but for now, try your ABSOLUTE hardest to treat him like just a friend. Do not give into his advances and, if possible, do not hang out with him alone for a while. I realize that for a girl "in like", this sounds like somewhat of a feat, but think about it: there are so many great guys out there who won't do this to you. Do you really want to let your attachment to this guy keep you so stressed and upset?

If it gets too hard or too bad, I'd suggest cutting him out of your life. Again, I know this sounds hard, but you really need to think about your happiness as a young woman with thousands of men who would adore you.

Best of luck,

--Dr. O.

p.s. The exact dates thing was awesome, and actually very helpful. I wish more people did that! Haha. :)

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