Relationships with other married people

Q: I'm in a relationship with a married man. He says he's in love with me and wants to build a life together. We just spent our first intimate weekend together. I'm curious what to expect now. He's from Montreal and I live in the US.


--Anonymous

A: Anonymous, I know that you have written to me further stating that you find other peoples' advice to be discouraging. The fact is, I am not here to slap your hand or morally regulate you, but you may find my advice a little discouraging yourself.

I understand that you feel a deep connection with this man and that you've grown to care for him deeply. The big question I have for you is this: why has he not divorced his wife? What is keeping him from leaving her and building a proper life with you? If he is so unhappy with his wife, why doesn't he tell her and leave? It's FAR better to leave someone with honesty than to string them along with deceit, don't you think?

Furthermore, you have stated that this man is from Montreal. How are you going to cope with the distance, even if he DOES divorce his wife and you DO end up together? That's a whole new can of worms, my dear. Distance, as I mentioned to the person below, is a killer!

Finally, you mentioned to me in another writing that there is an 11-year age difference with this man. If you are in your 20s and he is in his 30s, you have to realize that you are dealing with an extremely sizable gap, emotionally speaking. Who you are in your 20s changes DRASTICALLY, and the mental differences between people who are 11 years apart at that age is insane. That being said, if you are that young, I don't believe the relationship could even survive. If you are older than 30, though, it's a lot more possible.

However, we need to get back to the issue at hand: you're having an affair with a married man! Sweetheart, if the same thing happened to you, how would you feel? Being cheated on is a DEVASTATING feeling. The longer you let this charade go on, the more hell will break loose later.

My first suggestion to you is to have a serious conversation with this man about why he is still in a committed partnership with a woman whom he clearly does not love. Why hasn't he left her? Have that conversation, and then come back to me.

Best of luck,

--Dr. O.